*****

This is gonna be a long one, friends.

Today, I went to my last official class of my undergraduate college career. Allow me to reflect.

My very first class in college was Intro to Philosophy. My teacher looked exactly like my uncle, and I would often stare at him thinking, "Wow, it's such an amazing resemblance!"

This teacher did something I considered shocking on the very first day of class, the very first class of my college career. He said "shit." When he said that, I looked around the classroom to see if anyone else was as shocked as I was. "WOW? YOU'RE ALLOWED TO CUSS IN COLLEGE?" That was just so exciting to me.

In 1998, I was a freshman at Southern Methodist University. It was a huge deal. Because I had such shitty grades in high school, a lot of people around me doubted I'd even be able to get into college. The day I got accepted to SMU, there was some celebration going on. My dad went there. He was the president of a fraternity there. My mom went there. They got married at the church on campus. Various other members of my family went there, and they were all excited for me.

What I didn't realize is that the scene at SMU is nothing I wanted to be a part of. The campus is like.. 90% greek. If you weren't in a sorority or didn't want to be in a sorority, you just weren't cool. If you weren't a bajillionaire and if you didn't go to class dressed like you were going to the prom, it was virtually all over for you, indeed. Honestly, I did grow up in a semi-wealthy family. But these wealthy people drove me nuts. They were so.. full of themselves that I just couldn't stand it.

So during my first class, Intro to Philosophy, I was an 18-year-old. I had been with my boyfriend for about 10 months. I would soon, like in a matter of days, see his true colors. (Dude, he actually told me about messing around with his best friend's ex girlfriend. He said since I was in college now, he thought I'd "be able to handle it." I was not able to handle it.) I was obsessed with Good Will Hunting, cloud formations, Angel Boy, and other assorted things that weren't very interesting. My main interest was BB, what BB was doing, why he was doing it, and what I could do with him.

I had not talked to my best friend from elementary school in 4 months. I had not talked to Old Friend in a few years because we were both so mad at each other that we refused to speak to each other.

Here, from August 12th, 1998, is an excerpt from my diary at the time.

Official prediction of the next 4 years of my life:

- Move in, roommate thinks I'm wacky, I have the regulation meltdown, I see less and less of BB (I don't know quite how I feel about that), find lots of guys (hopefully), daydream about all kinds of chicks, do badly in school but come back to life and dazzle all, spend less time online, spend more time with 1 particular guy, break up with him when he wants sex, and/or when I realize he will never compare to BB. Call BB, we meet, have food, play a little pool, get it on, and realize that things have changed and we are both different. Go back to school. Do well. be on yearbook. Fail math. Try out for orchestra a few times. Junior year, after a few failed attempts at guys, call BB, get together for a beer, shoot the shit, get back together, I'll be independent, his love carries me higher, I do better in school, I'm editor of the yearbook, I've lost weight, and senior year, I move in with chicks in an apartment and everything is all good.

I don't know. I'm scared. BB means so much to me, of course, but I guess we're destined to live different lives.

See, that's the way I envisioned college. And when I look back on it, I don't really see that much wrong with it. That's how it should have been. Did ANY of that happen? Well, yeah. I failed math. That's about it. My roommate thought I was more than wacky, she thought I was a total social reject. I hated her because she'd sit in our room on Friday nights and drink wine coolers like she was the coolest chick ever.

So what did happen?

I got so tired of SMU that BB talked me into transferring to the University of North Texas, a school 45 minutes from SMU. A school that was kinda looked down on because it was so easy to get into. Of course, it wasn't that easy because I didn't get in the first time I applied, but I digress.

I couldn't find a dorm at such a late time when I applied that I had to find an apartment. I loved my apartment so much. I lived there for a year, and in that year I attracted tons of roaches, mice, and ants. Why is this? Because I couldn't handle the responsibility of my own apartment.

I also couldn't handle the fact that I had no friends. So instead, I moved into a dorm to make more friends. It kinda worked, in a roundabout way.

The first day at my dorm, I met my new roommate. I asked her how old she was, and she said, "I'm 37." I said.. "Oh." That was our introduction.

Having a religious 37 year old roommate wasn't a whole big bag of fun, but she did open new doors for me. She took me to church and introduced me to one of her new friends, that being Crazy Friend. Crazy Friend and I started talking and I realized that we both went to the same high school 2 years apart. We instantly bonded.

The whole religion story is one I've told and might tell again at some later time, but the community group I joined was a special one. We didn't know each other when we first joined, but in a year, we were going to each other's weddings and 3 of them became roommates. Good stuff.

So now. 4 1/2 years after I went to that first philosophy class where the teacher said "Shit" to a class of awe-struck freshman, I went to my last class. I went to Earth Science, where I watched a couple in front of me hold hands the entire class. I thought to myself that it would have been nice to have something like that. To have a boyfriend that I could study with, that I could go to class with and hold hands with. My boyfriend and I went to the same school together for 3 years, but we were only in one class together and we sure as hell didn't study together.

I finally talked to Old Friend, and we've gotten past our problems. I haven't talked to elementary school friend in 5 years. My favorite movie is Pulp Fiction and Jerry Maguire. My favorite bands/singers are Guns N Roses, Saliva, and Eminem.

4 1/2 years after I sat in that philosophy class, thinking the teacher looks like my uncle, I sat in my Earth Science class thinking about the demise of my 5 year relationship. I was thinking about my boyfriend showing his true colors, yet again. I was thinking about how much the class royally sucked because they were having this thing called "Cosmic Court" and it sucked so I left. That's right, I walked right out of my very last class ever. I'm so proud.

In the past 4 1/2 years, I've done many things. I once wrote on the back of my final exam that I had a crush on that particular teacher and that I really wanted him to know about it. I never saw him again after that, thank god. I made a fool out of myself countless times. I cultivated my writing skills and eventually did a good job at working on a newspaper. I learned a few things from books, like Buckminster Fuller is responsible for the Geodesic Dome. Also, I learned that I never made it past the oral stage, according to Freud. I can also give you the definition of irony if you would ask me about it.

I gained about 30 pounds. I made a few friends. At some point, I acquired a dog. But the main thing I did for 4.5 years was cultivate a relationship. I played the martyr, putting off plans with friends so I could go to my boyfriend's house yet again. I hung out with his stupid friends instead of mine because I would much rather spend time with him than be anywhere else.

And where am I now? I'm missing him so much I can barely keep the tears away. I'm having pointless conversations with him that consist of me almost begging him to see me. I'm going to my mom's house to sleep because I'm actually losing sleep over here. I lose sleep because when I wake up in the middle of the night, I get up and check my email and obsess over how he hasn't sent me any emails or anything.

I am empty. I lost the person I built myself around for the whole time I've been in college. I slept at his house on every weekend. I fell asleep to the sound of his typing 2 nights a week. I loved him more than I was capable of loving myself, and now I'm paying for it.

Have I grown in the past 4 1/2 years? Perhaps. It's not very obvious, though. You want to know what I think? I think I cultivated all my worst qualities in the past couple of years. I think everything bad about me came out, stayed around for a while, made itself at home. I almost think I'm lucky in this regard, to tell you the truth. While other people are in college, living it up and finding themselves and all that crap, I found out how bad I can be. I found out that I can procrastinate something until the very last second, and I have been known at the very last second to just not do it at all. I found out that I am known to latch on to a bad food pattern and taking full advantage of it until I can't stand it anymore. I found out that I am fully, totally, and completely capable of totally disregarding myself and living for another person. I also found out that I'm one of the most selfish and lazy people on the entire planet. Just try to disagree with me.

But now I know that. I know that to hit your stride in life, you have to overcome these obstacles. And now that I'm going to Austin, I almost feel like I've been given a second chance. I feel like I can finally find myself without my mom or BB, my two biggest comfort systems, and that makes me happy.

So, I had my final class today of my college career. Tomorrow night I will be getting together with the 1 good friend I made in college, and then that's that. I'll take my finals, I'll quietly graduate, and then I'll leave.

When I first went to SMU, my goal was to have people remember me. My goal was to make my mark, to make something out of myself. My goal was to work hard, make a lot of friends, and other assorted things.

I might not have done that at SMU, but I did make something of myself at UNT. I was on the paper. I made friends. I cultivated my relationship until it could not be cultivated any further.

When I look back on this time, I will be grateful because I will have learned what not to do in life. And that is probably the biggest lesson we could learn.

If you read this whole entire musing on life in general, I love you.