Yesterday was a big improvement on Monday, but things got progressively worse after work. I called Matt yesterday to apologize for the email I sent him on Monday night, and apologized for making him feel even more stressed out than he already is. This made him even more stressed out than he already is.

For the past month, I've been waiting. Waiting for something to happen, something big. Waiting for him to ask me to be his girlfriend, waiting for him to declare his love for me.. something, anything. And it hasn't happened. And this frustration escalated yesterday, and it just kinda blew up. We had a nice long conversation on the phone that ended with me crying like I haven't cried for months. We're talking huge choking, coughing, heaving sobs.

Basically, he doesn't want a long distance relationship. Basically, we're back at the same point we were 6 years ago when we had the same kind of relationship - open, without commitment, etc. And he says that he is not willing to change this until I get back. 6 long, long long months of waiting for things to change. I've been here 6 months already, and even though I keep talking about how fast things are moving in my life, 6 months is still a hell of a long time. I don't know know what I'm going to do. I want more. I've always wanted more from him and he has never been willing to give it to me.

All I want is to go home in 2 weeks and be with him. All I want is to be there for him, do all the things we used to do. But I can't. I have to be strong. I have not accomplished everything I came to Austin to accomplish. I've probably accomplished less in the last month we've been "together" than any other time this year because I let myself get caught up in it.

I don't know what to do now. He got so extremely angry with me yesterday. He said that I "almost had him whipped" and now he's afraid to even talk to me for fear of me having a crazy person attack again. He said that he might not want to see me this weekend. He said that I have "blown" what I had going for me, and now I have to build it up again. I know that's bullshit and I shouldn't have to build anything up, but what it comes down to is this: I have to make a choice. Do I want to deal with this, or do I not want to deal with this? And we all know what choice that will be. It's always been the same choice. There is only so much a girl can take, and I have not reached that point yet. I just haven't.

I don't know. I want more. And I'm dreading this 6 months when I should be looking forward to reclaiming my life and turning it around. He says he doesn't want to get back together yet because we still have shit we have to work on by ourselves.

I don't know.. again.. I just don't know.

Please don't give me advice, I'm not going to take it. This is my life, this is who I've chosen to spend my life with, and that is how it's going to be until I wake up one day and realize that this is all bullshit.

I just don't know.