It started when I came back from my fabulous 4th of July weekend. I hated that Monday because I knew that there was no way I was going to top that weekend any time soon. It's almost like I feel like that's as good as it's going to get in the next couple of months. I had that Friday off, I got to spend quality time with my family and Matt, I got good puppy time in... it was a great weekend. But I knew it was all going downhill from there.

The next 6 months will definitely be a busy one. I have made a list of short term and long term goals, and I plan on sticking with them. Matt is just a little bonus that I can rely on from time to time to give me a little something something and also occasionaly give me a shoulder to cry on when I need it. I want more than that, but I can't have it. Not right now. Not like this. And as much as I want to scream and yell and cry about it, there's nothing I can do. Somebody from the customer assistance center called me back to say, "I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do for you at this time. You're just going to have to pay for your broken transmission yourself." Okay, obviously nobody said that to me, but that's what it feels like. I almost know what my customers feel like because I am going through the same thing, but with a person, the only person I ever really want to be with.

I don't have any right to be bitching about all this because I want it. Time after time, person after person have all told me to move on, but I'm a dork and I'm stubborn and I'm not going to move on until my heart gets so utterly broken in two that there is no other option. Sounds like fun, eh?

Anyway. Things are okay right now. I'm still going to see him on Friday night, and I'm going to be cool like Fonzie. I called him this afternoon just to let him know that everything is cool, and I'm cool, and we're all cool. He sounded sorta.. what's the word? Apathetic when I talked to him. But it's all good. I have other things to worry about right now, like work. Work sucks. It's hard. And I don't like it.

Also, I am watching I Love the 80's - 1988. How much more can I possibly watch this show? Come on, VH1. It's been like.. 8 months. Get over it.

I had a dream about spiders last night. This is apparently a very good thing or a very bad thing, depending on where you look. Here is the one I like:

All spiders except tarantulas are omens of good luck. If you see a spider climbing the wall you will have your dearest wish come true and if you see a spider spinning a web you will have an increase in your income due to hard work. A large spider sitting on a telephone shows you will have a phone call that will benefit you greatly. The larger the spider, the bigger the rewards.

Rock on.

So, 2 years ago at this time. I'm just going to go balls to the wall and show you the entire entry. I think at some points you're going to be all like, "Holy crap, are you sure this was from 2 years ago, or was it 2 hours ago?!" 2 years ago. Read it. Enjoy it. And remember, no advice. I am a stubborn crackwhore who totally refuses to take advice.

Nothing has changed. Nothing. I am in a different place, but that.is.all.

Anyway.

*****

What was Liz doing 2 years ago?

"Dear you,

God, that hurt. Reading your web page, I realize you're not over her, and it hurts, of course it does. I'm trying not to cry, it was my choice to read your web page, my choice to read something I knew would probably mention her and not me.

You never mention me. I know that's how you are. I know our relationship won't truly change until we both make an effort to change our ways. I know all this, and still it hurts to know she's still in your thoughts.

I also know that our relationship is based on experiences. Experiences on which to build on, in which to add to. We have had good times together, good times which made us realize that the love we have for each other exists, and it won't just go away, even if you find that you love someone else.

That being said,this is serious. You still think about her, still miss her. You still wonder what could have happened if you came back from the trip and she was there, waiting for you, instead of telling you what you didn't want to hear. You wonder what could have been. It hurts me in so many ways to know this. It hurts me because you are hurting, and when you are hurt, I feel it. It tears me up to feel it, because what I am feeling is your frustration, anger, sadness, and depression for someone else. It doesn't involve me, and that's what hurts. It's just not right. It was never right, and it hurts.

This relationship has been so hard for me. You expect so much out of me, and when I don't deliver, it hurts you, and sometimes you're tempted to seek out other people. People who live up to your expectations. People who haven't gained 40 pounds since you've started dating them. People who have friends. People who don't fuck up simple directions. People who understand you on an intellectual level. People who have worked as hard as you have and have earned what they received.

I understand that. What I don't understand is you putting your feelings out like that, for everyone to say. What I hate is seeing that on your web page, knowing that everyone who knows you knows about me, knows how long I've been in your life, yet they know you had such strong feelings for someone else. You never talk about me on your web page. You never mention me, you never detail any of our activities, and when you do, you carefully leave out my part.

Don't we have these experiences together? Don't we go through life, living seperately and having our own experiences, yet sharing them together? That is how I see it. That is how I want it to be.

I think I may be blabbering now, but what I have to say is important to me. You probably won't ever see this, even, but it's still important. It's important for you to know that even if you leave me for someone else, and even when I've moved on to another life perhaps, I will always know what you've done for me. I will always remember how even when I was in my worst times, and even though you'd sometimes be cruel to get me out of them, you did get me out of them, and you made me a better person because of it.

I know it frustrates you that the things I really want in life, I'm too lazy to achieve. When you met me, I had friends, I had a job, I had a life. Somewhere in the mix, the friends went away, I quit the job, I stopped caring about my weight, I stopped caring because I knew you would still be there.

And yes, you still are here, but you're unhappy, and it makes me so fucking mad that I do this to you. And myself. I know that's there so many things I can do to change it, and yet I don't.

I want to fight for you. During the weekend we got back from the trip, and you didn't call me or didn't message me, I wanted to come to your house and fight. I knew in my heart I was about to be dumped, and I didn't think it was right. Because we aren't finished. We have so many things to experience together, still. We have so many feelings to be had, some good, and some bad. We still have goals to accomplish and movies to see and road trips to go on and houses to be built and dogs to be had and football games to go to and tacos to be made and hands to be held. I see you in my future. I see so many things for us, I really do, and it kills me that I am single handedly ruining it by not accomplishing the goals we've set for each other.

I tried to explain this all to my friend on the phone a few minutes ago, but I didn't explain it right, and she was confused. She didn't understand why I would still want to be here. Most people don't. But I know. I know I love you, and I know I want to fight for us, and I know that fighting for us means I have to not be lazy, and make the bad things in my life better, so that we can one day have a life together were you aren't looking for someone else to fix you where I broke you.

I shouldn't have read your web page. But I can't live in denial. I need to know that you still think about what could have happened with her, because that hurts me, and things that hurt me make me want to change.

I have stopped crying as I type this. I don't think it's right to cry over something that's already been cried over. I love you, and I want the experiences, good or bad. You know I saw what you wrote, because I told you that I liked it, and that it was pretty. That is all I said because I know if I said anything else, you'd get mad, and then you wouldn't think I was trying to get my shit together. I am trying.

I will try even harder now that I realize what needs to be done if I want to have more experiences with you."