People seem to like it. But I feel I must explain myself a little.

I liked Omarosa. I really wanted her to win this damn Apprentice gig, I really and truly did. I thought she was just bitchy enough to win. I respected her. I liked the fact that she kept going to the board room but never got fired. I liked the fact that everyone hated her but she still lasted a lot longer than most.

But that whole sheetrock falling on the head thing? Not cool. She milked that thing for MORE than what it was worth. She even told the Donald that she was "recovering from a concussion" that whole week and she felt like she was being a "trooper."

Um, Omarosa? No. When that thing fell on your head, you giggled! You didn't fall down on the ground clutching your head like you were about to die. That wasn't a concussion.

That just made me lose all respect for her. My roomate and I have been watching the show for a month now and she was getting really tired of me chanting "WOO! OMAROSA WINS AGAIN!" Because, like most people, she hated her. I only started hating her 10 minutes before she got fired. That whole running into the board room crying thing kinda turned me off, too.

Sorry, Omarosa. I was pulling for you. But I'm glad you're gone.

Anyway!

As a side note: because I'm so fucking bored at work these days, I re-opened My-Reviews. Yes, again. For like the 51st time ever. So go request if you want. Make my life more fulfilling. Not really.

I went to the car show yesterday. Man, these cars just made me hot. I really enjoyed the Mercedes, the BMWs, the Ford F150 extended cab, and the Altima's. Here's a picture of the BMW that I almost had a total orgasm from:

Wow. That's all I have to say about that.

On a completely different subject..

Due to Matt's complete disinterest in this relationship lately, I would like to talk a little bit about said relationship.

I am not prepared to completely give up yet, although I'm pretty close to it. We still hang out. We still talk almost daily. But there is still no promise of the future. I'm really starting to think that he has absolutely no interest in ever marrying me. Maybe when I was 17 and we were just starting out that would be okay. But I'm 24 now. I want a family soon. I don't really like being on my own. I want Sunday night dinner with my own little family in my own little house. I know I can't have that right away immediately, but I want to know if I'm ever going to have that with Matt.

Sometimes when I just really want to give up, I think back on the massive history we have together. I was in high school when we first started dating. Since then I've graduated from high school, been to college, and spent a year looking for a job. He's graduated from college, been through graduate school, had various jobs.. yeah. I was 17 when we first met. He took me to On the Border for my 18th birthday. We saw 7 Years in Tibet together and he reached over and held my hand for the first time on my birthday. He went to my high school graduation. Even at the car show yesterday I saw one of his oldest friends Scott. We all used to go on these massive two week road trips together. Scott was there the first night we ever kissed for the first time, I think. Scott and I chatted like old friends, but of course Matt's name came up because he was the one to connect us. It's Matt. It's always been Matt.

When I first started on Diaryland, I was 21 years old and still in the cycle Matt and I had carved out for ourselves that got us in so much trouble. Here's a quote from my second entry ever that highlights our main problem:

"Finally, it's Thursday. No more school. Now I get to go see my boyfriend and sink into comfortable bliss that I've known for so many years now. I'll drive the hour over there, I'll go to sleep in his bed, we'll do stuff this weekend that we'll always do, and it'll be nice, because I love him and appreciate him.

And then I'll wonder if I'm with the right guy and if I should really be there instead of out enjoying my college life.

And then I'll get over it, because I love him and I really don't have much interest in what college people do during the weekend.

And it's a cycle."

That is what we did. For practically the entire time I was in college. I missed out on making friends. I once figured that I was almost living a double life.. half the week I was at my dorm, doing school stuff, and the other half I was at Matt's doing that kind of thing. And really, Matt and I never did anything! We watched TV and ate a lot of food and maybe every once in a while hung out with his friends or saw a movie or something.

And that was my life for at least 4 years. Looking back, I hardly recognize the person I was at the point. Why was I content with that kind of life? Why was I happy with ditching every one of my friends in those years for a life that wasn't even all that great?

I have so many regrets with that. I never got a job or an internship in college because I thought it would jeopardize my alone time with Matt, which is completely retarded. Now I'm sitting here in an office doing nothing but answering phones. I could have worked hard in college, and I could have gotten a good job, but I didn't. I half assed it.

I guess I don't really know where I'm going with this. We just have such a history together, been through so much together. I remember when we used to just be one entity, and whatever he did, wherever he went, I would go with him. It's not like that anymore. And while that's certainly a good thing, I'd like to find a balance. I'd like to play a bigger role in his life while still maintaining a distance between us. The problem is.. I don't know if that's even possible anymore.

All I know is that I'm going to do my own thing, and if he wants a part of it, fine. But I'm going to keep losing weight and building my own private empire so that when I eventually build my confidence back up, he'll have to fight to be a part of my life. We'll see if he wants that. I want it. I want him to be a permanant part of my life. But who can really tell anymore? I made up my mind last night that he was probably seeing someone else by now. There's no proof, but I was just convinced.

I don't know. I'm tired of this waiting game.

Bah.