I mean.. in a few minutes I'm going to meet a chick from my small group for some margaritas and mexican food, which by all accounts is pretty awesome. I've always wanted a friend that I could do that with. But I've only hung out with her, in a group with lots of other chicks, like 3 or 4 times. So it should be weird. Hopefully we'll bond.

My problem is that my days are stretching out before me in a big sea of dread. I dread tomorrow because I don't know what I'll do after Habitat. I dread Sunday because I don't know what I'll do after church. Next week is looking awfully scary.. just a whole bunch of job looking and that's about it. And then there's Easter, and for the first time in 23 years, I won't be home for it.

I've never felt this way before. I'm usually pretty optimistic about such things, but now.. now I'm just not. Last week it seemed like I was a lot happier, but I blame that on knowing I was going home for the weekend.

Because, right now? I haven't talked to Matt in almost 4 days. It's not having the same effect it did last week. He hasn't IMed or emailed me at all. He's online right now, he's not idle, why isn't he talking to me?

I ache to talk to him so bad.. I want to tell him about all the good things in my life. Like going out last night, going out tonight, the fact that I saw 174 on my scale today. I haven't seen that number in ohhh.. 3 years. I guess that's what happens when you barely eat anything during the day and then jog 2 miles. I don't feel any better, though. I still feel like a big fat blob.

But I'm not going to talk to him. I probably will when I get a job, which should be oh.. in about 5 fucking years.

Nobody has called. Nobody is hiring. Nobody wants an unexperienced lazy whore like me to work in their establishments. I can't tell you how many times I heard "We just hired a few people last week, yesterday, today, a few hours ago, 2.5 seconds ago" this week. It's really annoying. And I don't know what else to do.

I've applied to a crapload of retail places, I've joined up with the Texas Workforce commission, I've looked at UT's job list, I look through the paper, I look at Monster.com 12 times a day. I belong to like.. 15 temp agencies. This.is.so.annoying.

I'm really unfamiliar with these feelings of dread and worthlessness and unhappiness and a general unhealthy well being about life in general. Maybe I'd feel this way like ohh.. twice a month, but then I'd go to Matt's, we'd get it on and he's say I was beautiful, and I'd be fine. This is so stupid. So pointless. I hate it. I hate my life, and I hate that there's no end in sight. So what if the 3 1/2 months goes fast? Then I go back to Dallas where the whole fucking process starts over again, PLUS I have to worry about possibly bumping into Matt and Ms. Perfect Blond all the time.

Where is the end of this? Why can't I get myself out of this craphole?

*sigh*

I saw Anger Management today because I got pissed off at job hunting again. The movie sucked. Jack Nicholson looked hot, however. And I actually cried at this scene where Adam Sandler proposes to Marisa Tomei. I want to be proposed to, I really do.

*sigh again*

I have more depression to spout off here, but my margarita friend just called so I'm going to go get my social life on. Have a good day, D-Land. Somebody should be.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"And he just keeps going further and further. Me, I'll admit it. I'm spoiled. My dad pays my bills and I grew up in a semi-wealthy environment and all that. He did not. He was living in the trailer he had grown up in when I first met him, driving a piece of shit car without a job. Now he has a pretty decent house he's sharing with a friend, he has a KICK ASS truck, and lots of different jobs that pay pretty well. And he has aspirations for so much more. And I love that, and so much more about him.

And you know what? He loves me. He doesn't care about the fact that I'm a wierdo and I've gained 40 pounds since we've first started dating and that I have no social skills. He wants me to push harder, and achieve more than I think I can. And he rocks.

So yay to my BB.

That was dorky, I know. But bah! "

Bah.