Before I came to Austin, it was "Austin is NOT GOING TO BE ABOUT MATT!" Now here it is, almost 2 1/2 months later, and that's all Austin has been about. And with each passing second of every single day, I know it's wrong to keep thinking about him and talking to him and envisioning us together in the future, because I know I'll just be dissapointed. He said tonight that he can't do sexual things with me because he has to stay faithful to her, even though he doesn't really know where the relationship is going. That crushes me. It hurts me so much, but I don't even know why I think it would be any different.

I don't know why I think that if I hold out, things are going to change. He said that he heard she's still calling him her boyfriend. He said that he owes it to this relationship to see where it goes without interference. And I KNOW that. I knew that back in December when I realized they should have a chance without me always trying to get involved. Why could I just stick with that? Why couldn't I just stick with not talking to him, so that maybe now, in the middle of March, I could be on a happy course, without my heart breaking every couple of days because I had my hopes so high.

It's so painful... it hurts so bad. He says there's a 50% chance they're going to make it in the next 2 weeks, and I said that's a pretty decent chance, and he said "Not as good as the 100% chance I have with you."

Why do I let him do this to me? Why do I let myself do this to me? I know this is only going to end badly.. I know if she wants him, he's only going to go running to her.

I don't know how to change.. this is what I just told him, as sappy as it is..

Me: Sometimes thinking about you is the only thing that fucking gets me through the day, that passes the time, that makes me optimistic about the future.

Me: I don't know how to change.

Me: I'm just not good enough.

Matt: And it's that self fulfilling prophecy that needs to change.

Matt: You are going to be okay, with or without me.

Matt: And you put inordinate amounts of pressure on me to do something that I am not ready for, regardless.

I know this is good.. I know that once I let myself heal, I can really heal in the right way, without him as a crutch. But it's getting to that point that's the battle. But I know I have to get there. How do I let myself get there?

I just don't get it. I don't understand.

And now I'm only going to get 6 1/2 hours of sleep, which just makes everything worse.

I have to move on from this point in my life.. I have to stop wishing that he is something more than he is, because if I don't, I'm just going to keep on hurting myself.

I just love him so much. SO achingly and desperetely much... and it just sucks.

Okay, yeah, I broke the "woe is me" rule of Hardcore March. Bite me.