I went there yesterday and today, and both days she's all like, "Cheer up! What's wrong?" I don't know this person. And she's all concerned about me. It's not like I'm crying when I go in there, either. I just want my friggin 6 inch turkey sub with mayo, mustard, parmesean, salt and pepper, lettuce, tomato, and onions! Is that too much to ask?

Finally, today, I just told her that I wasn't really happy with life in general. She wanted to get up in my business, so I let her. And the chick in line next to me said, "Yeah, life in general pretty much sucks right now." It's nice to know that people agree with this assessment.

I think this is my problem. I turn everyone off because of my posture, my aura, my way about me. This is probably why I haven't been able to get a job. And it's so frustrating because I don't know how to fake it.. I thought I was faking it, and it turns out that I'm just really bad at faking it. But the conundrum here is that I can't truly get out of this depression-like cocoon I'm in until I get a job, and I can't get a job unless I'm not depressed. I don't know. It's all very frustrating.

I didn't make things any better by annoying Matt this morning. It's like I can't stop myself.. I saw that he was on around 10:30, so I messaged him and I just like.. assaulted him with "I hope you feel better soon!" kind of vibes. He doesn't need that from me.. he probably needs it from his girlfriend. He knows I care about him and want him to feel better, I don't have to be in his face constantly reminding him.

If I just left him alone, things would probably improve for the better faster than if I kept bothering him all the time. I know this, yet sometimes I just can't help myself. And I know that tomorrow night, when I get home from my recordathon, I'm totally going to message him or email him about seeing him on Saturday night. Why? Because that's what I do. I know he has some secret shopping to do and I want to help him with it because that is also what I do.

But he hasn't initiated conversation in a week, and again, that was only to ask if I robbed his fucking house. I should take the hint.. oh my god, there's so many fucking hints.. but I just can't. I refuse to give up on this. He is what I want, and I can't get it through my mind that it's not what he wants. I know his girlfriend doesn't take care of him the way he needs.. and as long as I know that, I'm going to be trying to get me some of him. It's so very sad, but what can you do sometimes? This is just the way I am.

I will be so glad when this phase of my life is over, but I don't see a time when that will be. When I go home, things will be so hard.. wondering if that's his red dodge Ram I just saw, wondering if I'm ever going to bump into him and his girlfriend, obsessing over the high school football games on Friday night.. it's going to be rough unless I take the rest of the 3 months and do something different. Drastically different. Like not talking to him, not ever being online, finding even more things to do, getting involved in a job or summer school classes. I have to do something here, or when I get back to Dallas, all I have to look forward to is more of the same, different location.

*sigh*

I'm so tired of this.. 6 months of total and complete depression.. it's never been like this before.. and I feel so helpless against it. It's only been 2 days since the last breakdown. And I'm really worried about what will happen when I come back to Austin on Monday afternoon.. that's when the shit will hit the fan, I'm sure. Maybe I'll just come back on Sunday night. I don't know.

I hate my life.