Okay, so I'm in a philosophical mood now. Let's all deal with it and move on.

So I was just reading this random review of someone, and I realized that I got a little shout out in it, which was kinda cool. My shout out was for being obsessed with DVD's. And how appropriate, I say! Because that's a little bit of what I'd like to address at the moment.

So, ever since I saw the DVD for Vanilla Sky at Blockbuster, I've been totally obsessed with wanting to watch it. My DVD player hadn't worked for months, but still I would obsess over this DVD. I hated that movie the first time I saw it, with a passion. I wanted to like it because Matt liked it, and he's smart, so I wanted to be smart too, or something like that.

So when I saw that this DVD had commentary from Cameron Crowe on it, I almost had an orgasm! As we all know, I lurrvve commentaries. And I've seen his commentary on the DVDs of Say Anything and Jerry Maguire, so I was excited! And I find it completely fascinating that my most favorite movie in the world and the movie that I wanted to walk out in the middle of because I hated it so much (that and Eyes Wide Shut.. guhh) both had the same actor and director. Cameron Crowe, oh ye that I love and hate at the same time.

Anyway, the point is (and I do have one) that I finally got me a working DVD player, and more importantly, I finally got that DVD yesterday.

Watching it tonight didn't help all that much. I realize that he's dreaming most of the time, and he was frozen after he killed himself and crap, but why does he get a second chance after that? Because they froze him? Cameron Crowe didn't really explain that. But the commentary was awesome. He actually called Tom Cruise in the middle of it and they talked about a scene for like 10 minutes. I love that. I do appreciate the movie more now. I plan to watch it again without the commentary to really get myself in there to understand and appreciate it even more. So, that should be fun.

The whole point that I am coming to in a roundabout way is the fact that this movie is truly about love, and how he and Penelope Cruz only have 1 date together, but it's an awesome, explosive date with tons of chemistry and just the feeling that something can really happen with them. And then it all got taken away after he was in the car accident, and something about that really gets to me. It makes me think about my own stupid relationship and what I may be missing out on by trying to beat a dead horse.

Am I beating a dead horse? When I think about Matt and our future, there's one thought that constantly persists: Do I just plain love him too much? Am I just TOO comfortable with him? Should we still be together when there's been so many issues and problems and weirdness and betrayal? Is that what makes a relationship stronger, is that what binds it together? Or are all those things just signs that we should move on?

I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever know. At this point what I'm waiting for is kind of the month of truth.. what happens in February. What happens when I get back to Dallas. Is he going to welcome me back with open arms? Is he going to back away even further? Is all of this even worth it?

Should it be this hard?

I wish my experience in Austin had been different. My whole focus here has been trying to find a job, trying to lose weight, trying to get over things, trying trying trying. I wish I had gotten a job in January, really worked hard at it, gotten a whole year of experience at it, proved to myself and everyone else that I could do it. But the truth about that is that I just wasn't in that place when I came here. I had been through 3 major life changes in a span of 2 months that I had just straight up not prepared myself for, and I paid the consquences for that.

I know.. all these regrets are pointless. I know that. And I know thinking about Matt and I is kinda pointless right now, because I don't think we really even have a relationship to think about. Everything has been on hold and will be until I get back. I know he doesn't have a girlfriend, because he wouldn't have nookieized with me last weekend if he did. He could have any number of floozies waiting in the wings, but really, I can't worry about that. I have to worry about myself, and I know that's what this little exercise is all about, but I wonder if he realizes that sooner or later, I'm going to come to a decision about all this, and it may be different than both of us really expect.

But I love him. I do truly love him. There are things that I hate about him - the fact that he has such a weird sleeping schedule, the fact that football takes over his life sometimes, his sheer laziness is sometimes a problem - but I love him. I love his genius. I love his unconventionalness. I love the way he makes me feel beautiful. I love how I know he's going to be the awesome father to our children that neither of us had. I love how extremely tall he is! I love his crazy fucked up morals. I love how he prays before he goes to bed at night. These are the things that keep me going sometimes. These are the things I don't ever want to lose. These are the things that play over and over in my head when I think about ending it with him. But right now, there isn't even really anything to end. Right now, all I can do it wait.

I love how utterly dramatic I can be sometimes, don't you?

Vanilla Sky actually inspired me to want to write a short story about love. I don't know in what capacity, but the little alternative newspaper here is having a writing contest that I really wanted to enter. The story has to be less than 2,000 words, which is a challenge in itself. In November, I have to write a 50,000 word story, and now, just a 2,000 word story. I want to do it, though. I think it's time to challenge myself in this capacity.

This is a weird entry. I admit this fact.

In other completely different news, I'm pondering getting some bangs. Would that be a good idea? Do any of you have bangs? I haven't had bangs in about 11 years, and when I was growing them out, I recall that stage of my life as being a complete follicle disaster. I had to wear a headband for like a year, and that did not quite make me the most popular girl in 7th grade. But I think bangs might be an interesting statement to make at this point in my life. What do you people think? Eh? Eh?

Sign my guestbook. Please? It's lonely. And I am pathetic.

I have a job interview tomorrow at Freebirds, this place that makes burritos that are about the size of a small child. It's not the illustrious career I had in mind for myself, but it'll work if I actually get it. It's at 11, so I'm kinda wondering why I'm writing this bit of crazy craptasticness at 2:15 in the morning.

Okay then! Sleep.

*****

MP3's that have been on WinAmp since I started writing:

1. Wicked Game, Chris Isaac

2. Think Twice, Eve Six

3. GN'R, Dust in the Wind

4. Madonna, Take a Bow

5. GN'R, My Michelle

6. GN'R, Live and Let Die

7. GN'R, Sweet Child of Mine

Yay!

Yesterday was Tuesday, maybe Thursday you can sleep.

I just deleted a few entries because I thought the last couple of them were really boring. The gist: I love the West Wing with an obsesive and furious passionate desire, I've been having a lot of porno dreams lately due to watching porn before going to bed, and I need a job. There ya go. Oh yeah, and Journalcon is here and I'm too poor to go, which is stupid.

*****

a year ago...

"Now, when I listen to Loveline, I always hear chicks asking about orgasms. Mostly about why they aren't having them. I also hear about what a rare thing it is for females to actually ejaculate. It's almost like a freakish thing or something.

Well, guess what folks, I do both these things. We actually had to take the sheets off and flip the mattress over today because of my umm.. overzealousness. Why does this put me in a minority? I keep hearing about chicks who can't have orgasms for the life of them, and damn! They're missing out!"

2 years ago...

"Nothing I'm doing right now is worth anything in any kind of way. I sit around all day on the computer and eat and sometimes go to class and study right before a test, but that's all. I'm not contributing to society. I'm not working. I'm basically stealing my dad's money to just sit here and watch the world go on around me."