How do you think I'm doing? I'm being productive in the job looking thing. I went to another temp place today and requested only data entry, since I figured out that I'm really bad at the secretary thing. And I took the computer tests and it would seem that I'm like.. hyper fast with the whole data entry thing. Doing that 8 hours a day doesn't make me wet with happiness, but the prospect of having something to do all day and making $10 an hour to do it makes me somewhat happy. I dunno. We'll see, I suppose.

As far as the weight goes.. *sigh*.. I can't get past the whole 177 thing. I'm now back up to 180, and I don't understand why! I don't eat that much, I work out like a crazy person, and I can't get over that dastardly 180 hump. I know I need to eat better, but I don't eat that much. So I guess I should eat more, and of better stuff. So instead of a cheeseburger and that's all, I should have a nice breakfast of yogurt, and then a sensible lunch of chicken breast or something, and then a weight watchers thingie for dinner. That would make sense. But I like pizza. A lot.

The Matt issue.. Day 3 of not initiating conversation, day 2 of not talking to him. Hardly impressive, but you have to start somewhere. And this is the first time I'm going anywhere near home for the weekend without seeing him. I don't think he even knows that I'm going to the farm. He probably wouldn't want to see me anyway.. he and the girlfriend are on good terms, so they're probably going to be hanging out or what not.

Have I grown on this issue at all in the 3 months I've been here? I like to think that I have, but I honestly don't really know. If he would have left me alone and let me figure things out on my own, things would probably be different by now. Then again, I could have told him to leave me alone, so it's not like it's completely his fault. I don't know.. it still sucks, but I'm letting myself get used to the idea that we're just not going to get back together. I'm trying to see if he even cares that I'm not initiating things. Because I see it.. I see that for the first time in probably years, he's got it together. And he has it together without me. That has to say something, it has to tell me that without me, he's gotten it back on track. It's painful.. but that's what happened, and I have to deal with it.

There's this scene in Basic that really got to me. It's John Travolta after a long day of investigating this dude, and he's just walking down the street with a dude, and they're heading off to wherever they're going to go for the night, and the chick that he was hanging out with during the day is behind him, watching him walk off to do whatever it is he's going to do. I know this makes no sense, but it hurt to watch that. Because I know that's what Matt is doing.. he's walking off into the next stage of life without me, and I am watching him go.

Guhhh.

The friends thing.. I'm doing really bad at the friends thing. But I am getting involved in church, and that's a good step to take. I went to the depression meeting last night, and that was a little bit of a relief, to get everything out of my system and everything. Tomorrow night is the first time my small group meets, so that'll be good.

So friends, job, Matt, weight. Those are the big things that I wanted to accomplish while I was here. I still have 4 months to accomplish my goals, but I don't know if I will. I hope I will. It would be nice if I do, and all that jazz.

Today, I don't really have anything planned. I'm going to keep looking at restaurants for a job, and I'm going to work out. And when I come home tonight, I'm going to clean my apartment, which is a bigger task than you think. It's disgusting. It's super nasty. Like, the refrigerator alone is cringe-worthy. So I might be cleaning all night. But the good news is that I'm leaving on Friday, and I'm gonna have me a good time at the farm. I'm going to come back on Monday and damnit, I'm going to get me a job next week if it kills me. KILLS ME!

I'm going to work out now. I know you're as excited as I am.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"Nothing really fascinating happened yesterday. Oh, except for the fact my mom told my dad about my brother being gay. He didn't scream or throw a fit or anything.. he just said he knew but he hoped it wasn't true. My parents are so wierd about this.. it dissapoints me. And it makes me wonder how me and my brother are so liberal and accepting of things and they aren't. How is it that we escaped feeling the same way they do? I know it's a different generation and people are more accepting of things, but my parents need to get the stick out of their asses."