So here's the deal. Let's recap the last couple of days, shall we?

Tuesday night, Matt IMs me and we talk for about 5 hours about how depressed he is and about all his problems and about how mad he is at his girlfriend because she's pretty much "neglecting" him. We talk until 4 AM, which is way past my bed time, because I'm so happy he's talking to me that I couldn't care less that it's a ridiculous hour, and that our conversation isn't exactly productive.

Wednesday and Thursdy night, for me anyway, are spent waiting for him to come back after his social engagements with his friends. I literally would watch TV for 15 minutes, come and see if he was back yet, and then watch TV for another 15 minutes, and it was a cycle that would last for hours until he came home.

Last night I stayed up until 4 am again even though I had to get up semi early today and go to my brother's house. What are we talking about with these marathon conversations? Most of all we're talking about how much we miss each other. How, in another day and time, we might be together again. We are dissecting our relationship, we are discussing things that for the most part have already been discussed. He also talks about his relationship with his girlfriend.

In the month that I've known he's had a girlfriend, he's said maybe 3 or 4 nice things about her. Most of the time he's talking about how she neglects him, how he's not getting anything from her, sexually or emotionally. And so here is my ultimate dilemma:

I told my brother over lunch today that we were talking again, and a lot. He was literally appalled. He thinks I can't possibly be friends with him without it being detrimental to my progress, and while I shook him off and assured him that it wasn't detrimental, isn't it obvious that it is? Am I doing more harm than good to myself?

I have never been able to maintain friendships with my ex-boyfriends, except Scott and he doesn't really count because we never really "went out" or what not. But my first boyfriends, Eddie and Charles.. I haven't talked to them in 6 years. With Ryan, I kept trying to maybe keep a friendship with him, but there's so much sexual tension between us it's pretty much impossible. With James.. every time I hung out with him after we broke up, I'd be all like, "I had sex with HIM? WHY?!" And it kinda ruined things. And with Josh.. obviously I didn't want to maintain a friendship with someone who ruined my life and my emotions quite as much as he did.

My point is.. it's hard. And I seem to think that I am beyond the rules of life, that the rules of dating and exes doesn't apply to me just because we dated for 5 years. I am perfectly capable of talking to Matt because.. I don't know why. There isn't a reason.

And I tried to talk him into coming here this weekend, but he isn't. And I know why he isn't, and I know why I should be glad that he isn't. I say to him and myself and whoever else will listen that I can handle seeing him, that I would be capable of trying to turn our relationship into a big friendship instead of one ackward meeting after another. Why do I think I can do that? I know once he comes here, all I'll be able to think about is touching him and kissing him and sleeping with him and doing whatever else I could to sabotage his relationship with his girlfriend, because I don't respect it.

You know what I want? I want to be able to feel now like I did then. For a few days, I felt like I could handle whatever state our relationship was in because of one thing: I thought he deserved a chance to have a relationship with someone else. And I don't respect that. If he wanted to cheat on her with me, I'd be there in a second. I'd probably fucking drive 200 miles just to do it, too.

I would do anything for him. I seriously and completely would do anything for him. And isn't that dangerous? Shouldn't I just have the fucking BALLS to say "Look, I really appreciate the fact that you want to be friends with me, but I don't think I can handle that right now. Let's wait another month or so to talk, after I've gotten a job and some friends, okay?" My brother is good friends with all his ex's, and when I pointed that out to him, he said "It took me years to be able to be friends with them." And he's right. It's just been 3 months, so why do I think I can just be good buddies with him now?

I don't understand. Maybe I'm just being way too hard on myself, maybe I should just sit back and relax. Maybe I should just figure out that he wants to be friends, he wants to have someone to talk to and I'm the only person that fits that description. I'm the only one who knows him well enough to be there for him right now. Maybe I should just respect my role and instead of thinking it's going to turn into something.. just relax.

it's just so confusing, though. I think I need to talk about this with him. That would defeat the whole purpose, wouldn't it?

Holy fuck, when did all this shit get so hard?