I'm having a very Guns N Roses-ish day today. First of all, they're #6 on MTV's list of the greatest video stars. I knew they would bem they had to be! So I sat down and watched the show. Hey, good times. I also heard November Rain this morning and then You Could Be Mine later on the radio, which was very exciting. That's why I miss Dallas.. GN'R on the radio all the time.

I'm not sure why that's important or pertains at all to anything, but I miss GN'R. Listening to them makes me happy and anxious and ready to kick some ass. Woohoo, that's what I say.

Matt is probably going to be too busy tonight to hang out, which I guess is okay.. I did sort of bulldoze my way into trying to get him to hang out with me. I'm the ex-girlfriend.. I'm not a priority right now.

The main reason why I want to see him is to show off how much weight I've lost. I'm really starting to feel good about this whole weight thing, and I know he'd be surprised when he saw me. But if I don't see him, he'll be even more shocked when I come back in June (Cuz I've decided that I'm not going to come back at all in May, cuz you know.. I've been back way too much anyway.) looking all hot. I will have lost at least another 10 pounds by then. It'll be good times, I think. At least that's the way I'm trying to look at it at this point in my life.

I tried to sneak into my old dorm and go swimming today, but the pool was closed. That was sad.

Being at my old dorm made me think, though. Uh oh.. thinking is bad. But it made me think how I don't have anything to define me right now. I used to be a Girlfriend, a Student, a Reporter. Now I'm what? Unemployed. Unattached. Losing weight, yes, but I still have to struggle with the food intake. I like to eat. I have all these plans of what I'm going to eat today because yeah.. that's what I do. I'm a fat chick.

And I know I should just get myself together when I think that way and just get up and do something about it. I can be Productive, I can be Smart, I can be Employed. I can be Empowered. I just have to take a long look at what I want for myself, and go after it.

So what am I, really? I'm a Daughter, a Puppy Lover, a Woman, a Writer, a nice person. I like movies, I like to work out, I like volunteering. I like to eat, and I like to laugh, and I like to make new friends. I like to read, and I like to spend copious amounts of time inside a bookstore. These things define me, and someday, I can add more things to the list. Wife. Mother. Career person. Right now I'm just kinda floating around from one place to another, looking for my soul, looking for my niche. I'll find it.. but it's just so hard sometimes, you know?

In other news, I totally spotted the plaid car again! I was so happy.. my year would not have been complete if I didn't see the plaid car. Oh ye old plaid car, how I love thee.

I don't know what I'm doing tonight. Natalie is writing a paper, and she's in her very last days as a grad student, so that's pretty important. Matt is writing a paper. Scott is even doing school stuff. I'm all like "I'm unemployed and out of school, come play with me!" And everyone else is all studious and like "I can't! I'm actually doing something with my life, unlike you!"

Bah. Double bah. TRIPLE BAH! That'll teach me to come home the weekend of final exams. Smart, me! I came home this weekend because I thought if I had a job by next week, I wouldn't be able to come home very much anymore. It makes sense to me, but everyone is busy. Well, at least Jerry Maguire is on right now. That's always good.

I wish I was in school. I wish I could do so many things over again.. like now that I'm losing weight, I feel so ANGRY that I was that fat for so long. I was like.. ugly. I was in ugly denial because Matt always told me I was beautiful and his opinion was all that I cared about, but I was ugly. And I went through college looking ugly.

I want a second chance.