Well, you know it's going to be good times when your psycologist tells you that he thinks you're suffering from severe clinical depression. WooohooO! Party time! Give me some drugs, babeh!

Not really. I am so not happy about that. I guess I'm pretty much still in depression denial. He wants me to see a psychiatrist to get some kind of drug for me, but I don't know.. I still have this feeling that if I just suck it up and do it myself, I can get over this.

When I first got fired, I thought that I was going to be okay. I wasn't going to succumb to depression. I was going to be different, I was going to get a job, I was going to be happy. But you know what? I'm feeling just as depressed as I was the first time I went through this. And maybe this time it's even more intense, because last time I thought it had to do with Matt, and now it has nothing to do with Matt. I have real issues that have nothing to do with my bitter break-up.

I mean, sure, sometimes I still get a little pissed at the whole "he cheated on me for 4 months thing." Like, when I listened to We've Got Tonight by Bob Seger the other day. That's generally recognized as one of our songs, and it just made me mad. But I got over it. Because we're in a new era now.

But it's not about Matt. I don't know what it is about. My psych said that he expected this.. he expected me to get a lot worse for the first couple of sessions because now I have to face the reality of what I'm actually going through.

Like yesterday. I said that I was "a little off." How about "a whole fuckload off" ? That's really the truth. I was one messed up beyotch yesterday.

I had a plan for the day. I was going to work out, go to the workforce center and do my thing there (which basically consists of looking up jobs online), doing some retail applications, going home to eat dinner, and then going to my depression support group at church.

Well, it started out fine. I took my pill that is apparently supposed to be magic. I had a waffle for breakfast. I brushed my teeth, I worked out. I had a turkey sandwich that I made myself. I went to the workforce center. And then it all went downhill from there.

Around 2 I decided it would be a good idea to see a movie. Generally, it's not a good idea to leave in the middle of your job search and see a movie. At the movie, I decided that I was going to buy some popcorn and candy. How wrong is that? I just spent $11 on a movie, candy and popcorn, when I really have like $50 left for the rest of the month. I could have spent that on a $10 prescription for medicine that will help me start my period back up, which would probably get my endorphins going and get all this toxic crappola poo out of my system.

Anyway. I see the movie. In the middle of the movie, I get up, go to the bathroom, and throw the popcorn up, thinking that this magically means that I didn't technically eat the popcorn. Just wait, it gets worse.

I start getting hungry again, so after the movie, I went to Taco Cabana and had fajitas. Another $7.00 that I could have spent on something worthwhile, but instead I had to stuff my face with it. I could have gone home and had a nice TV dinner of Fettucinni Alfredo, but did I? No.

After I pigged out, I went to Barnes and Noble. I was going to hang out there until 6:45 and then go to the Depression Support Group. But I didn't. I left at 6:00 because my neck hurt so extremely bad that it was actually throbbing. So I went home, took a nap, woke up, watched some TV, went to bed, tried to masturbate, couldn't, and then went to sleep. I couldn't sleep. I would not suggest taking 3 hour naps 2 hours before going to bed.

The point is: yesterday was one fucked up day. I'm trying to illustrate this to you so you can see exactly how fucked it was. The answer is: extremely fucked.

Today isn't starting out any better. I haven't worked out yet, and chances are, after I leave church tonight I'm probably not going to feel like going to work out. *sigh* I hate myself sometimes, I really do.

I just want to do this by myself. I know that some people are advocates of getting help right away, but that's not me. That's not where I am. That's especially not where I come from.

So, that's fun times. I'm going to do some retail stuff today and then I'm going to come back and maybe take a nap. I don't know. My life is way too exciting.

And I need to come up with another plan for my novel. The original idea was to write it loosely based on my life, but do you know what? I don't much like my life. So I should come up with something else. And we all know what's coming up in less than 2 months.. that's right, the greatness that is Nanowrimo. I want to write. I need to write. So yeah.

I also really want to go see Matt this weekend, but he hasn't invited me. I'm sure if I went there anyway to visit my mom or something, I could see him. But I'm waiting for a formal invitation.

I'm going to shut up now.

*****