First of all, I stayed up until 5 AM last night. Yes, it was another "let's share everything there is to share with each other" kind of talks. I cried, he cried, I got him off, he tried to get me off but I am pretty much orgasmed out lately and it didn't really work. Yes, this all through IMs. Sad, eh?

At a few different points he really made me angry. First of all, I told him that I never got a chance to have one last night at his house, that the last time I was there I kept thinking to myself "this can't be the last time I'm here!" And then he says "Well, it may not be." How can he say that, really? I mean, come on. Don't give me false hope like that. Don't give me something to hold on to when you have a girlfriend that you have no intentions of breaking up with.

And then later he says that breaking up with his girlfriend right now is not an option. That really pissed me off because the kinds of conversations we're having.. we never had these conversations when we were together. he'd barely ever talk to me online when we were together. And these conversations are so intimate, so deep and hurtful and sometimes hopeful and wonderful, and really, I don't know how much more of it I can stand. I like talking to him and I like feeling like I'm the only person he can talk to. He just told me " You are my rocksolid inspiration, and I think you rule.. " it gets me off knowing that I can help him in this way, but it still leaves me hanging. It makes me feel like by having that motherfucking girlfriend, he's betraying the intimacy we have between us right now. And that's not fair for either of us.

And I just feel so.. tender lately. Like I was bawling when I was watching Stepmom this morning. What a depressing movie. And like.. people's relationships are really starting to grate on me these days. When we were together, I'd pass by couples and not even notice them or not care. Now I look at them in jealousy, and in fear that I'll never again have what they have with each other. People's relationships hurt me right now. Like, I spent an hour talking to an old friend last night who's fiancee just dumped them and today is their 5 year anniversary. That would suck, and I just feel so much worse for him because I am in a state of sadness right now, too. Does that make any sense? I think this comes from all the extra estrogen the pills I'm taking are providing me with. Birth control pills + women's vitamins = a whole lot of estrogen.

I was going to church for the super bowl party today but I think I'm just gonna lay on my green sofa, eat some fatty popcorn with butter and circle the want ads in the newspaper. I'm not feeling very social today. Even Matt is going to a friend's house, but I just can't muster enough whatever it is to make me want to leave this apartment right now.

I did go to church today and the opening music really touched me. I know this sounds weird coming from 7 Deadly Sin girl herself, but I really felt God's presence in my heart today during the music. I couldn't sing because I'm sick and I could barely breath when I tried, so I just closed my eyes and let myself feel what was going on. It was really powerful and something I want to investigate more soon. Yay God.

anyway.. GO OAKLAND! YEEYUH!

I'm gonna take some Claritin and go to bed.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"So damnit, I'm going to be a writer. If this semester makes me disillusioned about life in general, I really don't know what I'm going to do. I'm supposed to graduate in December, so I can't really change my major. Other careers I could maybe go into include: Real Estate (My dad would love that, oh yes.), dog training, Secret Shopping Goddess, housewife, race car driver, Guns N Roses groupie, taco maker, professional miniature golfer, nailpolish mixer, etc. I just asked BB and he said "You'd be good at marketing, maybe high level customer service or something." That sounds like fun, doesn't it?"