I want to go back to Dallas. I really do like Austin for what it is - a place of transition, a place to stand out in a place where everyone stands out, so that you can no longer stand out and just become part of a crowd. I dig that. But I don't know.. I'm either past that, or not ready for that. I feel like I've never been ready for the events in my life and I never adjust well to them happening anyway.

I have 4 months left here. I hate thinking about it that way, but it's hard not to. I think it's almost pointless to find a job, but that's what I have to do. I don't want to. And when I don't want to do things, I sabotage them so that I don't have to do them. Fun, isn't it?

I have my WinAmp on, and since I don't have any room left on my hard drive for any more songs, it hasn't been updated in about a year. And Bob Seger's "We've Got Tonight" just came on and I had to turn it off because it makes me miss Matt too much. I wish I could have woken up next to him today, so I could wake up to the rain and September and the man I love right next to me. But I haven't talked to him in 2 days, he's 200 miles away, and that sucks.

And my best friend is in the hospital, and that makes me feel so helpless, and again, I'm 200 miles away from making any kind of difference in her life, and it's selfish of me to even care about me being there because it's all about her, and there's nothing I can do anyway, but it still makes me feel helpless and scared and I don't know.

This is the most random entry ever. But it feels right.

I don't really have the right to feel lonely. In about 20 minutes I'm going to church. Later, I'll hang out with my brother and his puppy dog. Yesterday, my mom came to visit. I have friends. I have family. But I still feel so lonely. I want to go home. But I don't really know where "home" is, exactly. Which kinda sucks.

I'll stop blabbering now. And I'm going to post the lyrics to "Don't Cry" because I was just listening to it and I was blown away by what an awesome song it is, still, almost 12 years later.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"When we got gas tonight, there were crickets all over the place. It was really quite disgusting. And there were like 3 of them outside my door, the drivers side if you will, and I didn't want to take the chance of having one fly on me or something, so I actually got in on BB's side and climbed over to my place. Pathetic, I know, but I REALLY FUCKING HATE CRICKETS DAMNIT! Good god almighty!"

What was Liz doing 2 years ago?

"I'm addicted to Super Mario Brothers. I just love Nintendo in general, how you have to blow inside it and then blow on the game, tap it on your head, rub it on your breasts, do a voodoo curse on it, and sprinkle it with holy water before it'll actually work. Anyway, what could be more entertaining than Super Mario? You can throw fireballs at flying fish and little wierd looking monster things, and you can go swimming and climb vines and go down little holes and everything! It's just a bucketful of fun! Woooeee."