In other news, I feel a lot better today. I'm re-evaluating things, looking at things from a different perspective, eating donuts and reading Welcome to Temptation for quite possibly the 15th time. This is what happens when you have no money for books.

Also, I do take comfort in the fact that Matt's team lost last night. Ha! HAHA! Anyway.

Also, yesterday was the 12th. A month from yesterday, I will be 24 years old. And thus it will cap off my 23rd year of my life. Definitely the weirdest year yet. And well, probably the most crappy. But the biggest learning experience. And such.

I am at the farm, and that means that I have access to all my old diaries. I stored them here so I wouldn't be looking at them all the time like I do with this one. You guys would be scared if you knew how much I'd sit there and press "random" all the time. It's a sickness.

So anyway. Here's a few entries from my diary from 2000 that I would like to share. I don't know why. It just amuses me.

This is from August 10th, 2000.

Matthew is going through his "you bore me" stage again and thinks its amusing to himself to just totally reduce me down to something that doesn't need to exist. I really don't care for this too much, especially because I'm not the one who was crying pathetically 2 months ago and screaming when I suggested we skip watching Dawson's Creek, saying it's the only thing he had to look forward to anymore. How quickly one forgets. He's so full of shit. I don't know how much longer we can really put up with each other.

The answer: 2 more years, apparently.

This is from May 25th, 2000.

I'm not afraid of breaking up with Matt. I will lose my friend, something to do on Friday nights, an understanding that no one has ever had of me, an appreciation for my quirks and a fondness that may be unable to replace. Yes, I love him, but I do not love how he totally fucked me over yesterday. He said he might come pick me up later in the week because he's coming to Denton anyway to pick something up. He said he knows I'm mad now but someday I'll appreciate the fact that he's trying to make friends.

You know what? I strongly doubt that. I think I'll probably resent the fact that he doesn't care enough about me to care about my sanity. Maybe I'm being selfish, but he's king of fucking selfish. He knows I don't have anyone else to take me home. Well, that's not true. I can possibly get Scott or Ryan to take me home.

It's not fair. I know I keep saying that and I should just shut up. But he's expecting me to be all happy that he's making friends and just to forget about all my needs until that happens. I am not a person that just forgets about myself to make someone else happy. I'm sorry, that's just not the way I am.

What would really be cool this summer.. I wish I could go to Austin. Take summer school there. Have my brother help me lose weight. That would rock. Maybe I could bring Charlie. Maybe not. I could make friends there, get involved in the whole Austin scene, get a job. I would really love that. A lot.

Let's face it. I probably should have broken up with him a long time ago. But I haven't. I don't need him.

Uh, yeah. Interesting. Very interesting.

And here's one more, because I am easy to amuse: this is from March 25th, 2000.

I really don't know. It's Saturday night, it's about to rain, and Borders is remarkably quiet. I am tired of being by myself. When I broke up with Josh, it was nice to be by myself, so I could figure out what to do with my life. Well, it's 3 years later and I think I know myself pretty well. I really got depressed when I called Scott and he was busy with his girlfriend.

I want to say I've hit rock bottom, but I don't think that's true. I just don't have any friends, I can't stop eating, and I'm a slob.

But I have a reasonably clean apartment, a dorky depressed but still loveable entanglement, and it's raining. I'm outside on the patio at Borders, and everyone else went inside, but thats just me.

Something has to change.

I feel like this moment, I need to change something. What is it inside me that is so afraid of making a committment to changing? It's so frustrating. 5 years ago I was a somewhat overweight, but still 130 pound cute chick without stretch marks , in love with Ryan.

I haven't talked to him since the porn incident. I miss him. I still think about him everyday.

Matt has changed my life, but I'm still a mess, and it's just something I need to fix myself because no one else can do it for me. Not that they haven't tried.

I just thought I was stronger than that. I thought I was stronger than giving into an urge that will never die. I have to eat, yes? As long as I have to eat, I'll still be fighting it. I weight 180 pounds and I feel disgusting.

But this is my life. Either I change it or it gets worse. What am I missing here? Why is this so goddamn hard? I had friends in junior high when I was such a freak that only freaks would talk to me! I had friends in high school, even when I was off in my distant Josh land. It just sucks. I need to something before I totally give up hope and go crazy.

Which is right.. about... NOW.

I did sorta change after that.. I got the best grades of my whole life that semester. But nothing changed with my weight. I gained 20 pounds in between then and last year. And things with Matt got worse.

Anyway. I'll shut up now. Have a nice Diaryland day.

*****

What was Liz doing 2 years ago?

"I just got out of my Abnormal Psychology class. My teacher is a bitter old man. He's kinda like Bill Cosby, but he's like the old, mean, bitter version of Bill Cosby, you know? His kids all left, little Rudy (who I'll always remember as getting her period when they were talking about puncuation in class) is an adult now, and I think they had another kid but I don't know who that one is. Anyway, his kids are all gone and Mrs. Cosby divorced him and now he's teaching my Abnormal Psychology class."

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"It's weird how I've managed to build up trust with my parents by lying to them at first. My first big road trip was going to Arkansas with BB, and I told my mom I was just going to Austin. The second big one was going to Canada, and I told my mom we were just going to Arkansas. I never told my dad about any of these trips, of course. And then I got to go all the way to Las Vegas last year because I told my dad I was going to Louisiana, even though he knew I was lying and going to Las Vegas anyway. And now I get to go without even having to lie!

You might call it taking advantage, I might call it good times!"