But I am. I don't know.. something about this morning just seems so .. desperate. And helpless. And I feel so crazy and crackwhorish and I have to get out of here, but I don't know where to go. I just woke up, after dreaming about Matt all night. And because I'm on crack, I looked at his website. He updated again, and while there was nothing about the girlfriend, it still broke my heart anyway. He went to the spring football game last night. I remember the last one. We left because it was too cold. And then we left and went back to his house where we watched Classic VH1, ate french bread pizza, and probably got it on.

That makes me sick. It makes me sick to my stomach. Why were things so much more simple back then? It used to be so easy.. I'd go to school, make somewhat crappy grades, sometimes study, occasionally hang out with friends.. but I basically lived for the weekend, when I'd go to his house, and he'd love me. Because he did love. He took care of me, he loved me, he gave me orgasms. We understood each other. We were all we needed for each other. And I know that's crap and its unhealthy, but that's what I had. I had one person on the planet who completely understood me, who I felt totally and completely comfortable around.

And now that's gone. It's gone forever.

But you know what? Things weren't that simple back then, either. Some of you may remember that I was going through that "I love my boyfriend and he can absolutely do no wrong" stage this time last year, and then when I was proven wrong, I was hurt. It hurt a lot.

"Okay, so remember how I was obsessing over my boyfriend earlier in the week? Well, let's just say that came crashing down today. I don't really want to get into it (much, anyway), but it just really sucks how sometimes you have these romanticized ideals about how things can be, and then even though you know that they aren't true, you still believe it because that is essientially what you are led to believe. But then it turns out that you were wrong, so desperetly wrong, and then you feel like an idiot because of course you were wrong! I mean, nothing has really changed and sometimes it's just pointless to start believing that things ever will change."

And things never did change. It's both of our faults, I guess. It's a little bit his fault because he never really made it a priority for me to change. I'd change for a little while and everything would be fine, but once I got back to doing the same things again, there was no punishment. Things went back to normal and he never said anything like "If you don't fix this, I'm breaking up with you." It was never like that.

And of course it was my fault for never taking the initiative and just changing. I know you're all like "You can't change for a man" and blah blah blah, but I wouldn't be. I'd be changing for myself. I would work on all the things that I know I needed to fix, and our relationship would have been better for it.

So my point is, things were not simple. They were hard. I was trying to accept the fact that even though we had been together almost 5 years at that point, nothing had really changed and we weren't closer at all to taking our relationship to the next level.

And then there's this entry, which I could do a whole seperate entry on. I'll just show you the highlights of it. Remember, this is a year ago.

"And there was a time. From November 2000 to February 2001, he was committed. It was nice. But in February, he met that chick. That fucking perfect chick. "Oh, we're just friends." Yeah. Until she dumps her boyfriend of 6 years and starts looking for someone to take his place.

That was not a good point in our relationship." And now he's with her. It seems so right, almost. But yet so wrong.

Sorry. I didn't mean to go off on a tangent there. But there ya go.

I don't know if I should log this in as a breakdown or not... I don't want to, because it's almost been a month since the last one, and I thought I had been doing okay up to now.

And it's already Friday.. last Thursday I made the promise to myself that I would find a job this week no matter what it was, and I haven't. I still have no job. I still feel like a total loser. In 3 days, it will be 2 months that I've been looking for a job. Do you know how long and stupid that is? What is the fucking deal? Do I appeal to people like I'm a fucking criminal or something? Everyone on the planet has a job, why is it so fucking hard for me to find one? The sheer amount of driving I do everyday is astounding. Do you realize I've driven 230 miles in 3 days?! Just to look for a job around Austin. 230 miles. In 3 days. That's a road trip to Dallas. *shakes head*

The problem is that I find one particular job that I want and I hold on to it until I know for sure that I'm not going to get it. Customer service isn't exactly the dream job I've been looking for, but they had me take a urine test. That's hardcore, right? And it's about 10 minutes from me, and it pays well. I really would like that job, so I'm not really trying that hard to get another job, and that can't be good because if I don't get this one, I'll be back at square one again. And on Monday, I'll be right where I've been for months now.. at my brother's house, faxing resumes.

Matt seemed happy on his webpage, and I don't blame him. The spring football game always made him happy. I want to be happy too.. I want to be able to talk to him and brag about all I achieved. Again, the customer service job is one of the last things I'd ever think I'd do, but maybe it would be good for me. Maybe it'll help me gain more social skills, appear more professional, all that crap. For a person who can't talk on the phone for shit, maybe this is the best thing for me to do right now. I hope I get it.

I'm better now. I think I'm going to call one of my friends from the depression group to see if she wants to have some lunch. At least that's an advantage I have over some of the previous meltdowns I've had in the past. I can call friends, or I can do whatever. I am stronger than I was when I first got here. I have to keep telling myself that.

And the whole football thing.. while it may not seem like a big deal.. it is. It's a huge deal. It's one of the biggest reasons why I'm not going back to Dallas in the fall. He's so happy during the fall, he lives vicariously through this team of his. And now that he's kind of like a reporter for this web site, he gets to go on the field and shit. And I just can't stand that. I can't stand not to share in his happiness, and I can't stand the fact that he will be so goddamn happy without me. So I'm staying. And that's good.

Bah.

Also, I accidently added this to here first, so I didn't really update it. Hah!