I really screwed up today, I think. I think I totally blew it. "It" being whatever composure I had left. "It" being whatever caused Matt to say, completely out of the blue last week, "If you keep being good, it's going to be hard not to want to be with you." Whatever caused him to say "I just want you to know that I miss you and that I think about you all the time." Whatever caused him to say that.. it's just not there anymore, I think.

I wrote him another email. The "weekly" email that I always seem to write. I didn't even plan to write it, I just opened the letter and I just wrote, wrote wrote wrote. It wasn't too bad, or so I thought. But he didn't answer it, and he always at least acknowledges that he got the email. But I sent it like.. 12 or 13 hours ago, and he's been home, but he hasn't answered it. And I just feel like I fucked it all up.

And I'm just getting sooo tired of this. EVERYTHING reminds me of him. I spent the whole day with my brother, and we watched Drumline. This movie only succeeded in reminding me that I will not be going to high school football games in the fall with Matt. I won't be seeing the half-time shows, I won't get to fake like I actually care about the game, I won't get to stare at all the slutty high school girls. I didn't realize what a vital part of my life all these things were. Why did I have to fuck it up? Why couldn't I have gotten it together when he first asked me to? I could have made better grades, I could have made friends, I could have lost weight, I could have done so many things. And I didn't. And now I'm paying for it.

And then we watched Six Feet Under, which is the best show ever, by the way. Tonight's episode was the best of the season. But the whole Brenda-Nate-Nate's wife thing totally makes me think of Matt and me and his girlfriend. I'm Brenda. I'm the one who was all sexual and bad ass and rebellious, the one that he just couldn't be with anymore, and she's Nate's wife, all flowery and good and nice and crap. Only he really wants to be with her, and not me, because all the flowery goodness is what I never had, and she does, and maybe that's what he wants. He wants the flowery goodness. I don't have the flowery goodness.

It's almost painful to watch that show.

And my god, the music these days. Every song on the radio.. everything. I just turn it on talk radio because I can't stand listening to music anymore. Rush Limbaugh, Neal Bortz, Dr. Laura.. I listen to them all day because I can't stand real music. It hurts too much. Even knowing that everyone has felt the same pain I feel.. it hurts too much.

I don't know what to do anymore. If I don't talk to him, I feel guilty. And I feel like he'll forget about me if I don't pop in every couple of days and remind him that I'm still here, still thinking about him. If I do talk to him, I feel like I'm intruding, like I have no right to. And he doesn't help this situation.. he never initiates talking to me anymore unless he's asking me if I robbed his house.

And when I bring that up, he just says "I never used to IM you. I never IM anyone, they always IM me first." And it is kinda true.. when we were together I was usually the one who initiated it. But if he truly cared about me and what I was doing and who I was hanging out with, wouldn't he want to initiate it?

I don't know how to play this game. And I feel like I totally blew it with that email. I just IMed him and he hasn't mentioned the email at all, and I just don't know what to do anymore. In the email I said that I was coming home this weekend, and did he want to have lunch or dinner? I also said that I'm still doing well, and that I'm tired of obsessing over whether or not he was going to IM me so I was just going to do it more often.

I wish I could censor myself. I wish I could write those long emails and then post them on Unsent letter or something instead of sending them like a total dumbass. I've just totally fucked it up. And just.. the constant fucking reminders drive me insane. Red Dodge Rams? They drive me crazy. White corsicas? They drive me crazy, too. Every song in the world? Insanity. Going to sleep at night, waking up in the morning? Insanity.

Being dumped really sucks. I know he has trouble with it too, sometimes, but he did it. And I hate it. I wish I could have gotten my shit together for him. But I also know that this time in Austin has been really beneficial. But still.. if I would have gotten my shit together before, I wouldn't have needed this time in Austin.

I just don't understand the rules of this game. I wish he would explain it to me, but he never will. It's so infuriating sometimes. I know I'll get through this.. I know I've made progress, but it still hurts, and it's still confusing, and I still don't know what to do.

This period is totally like the one I had the first 2 months of the breakup. The "Why won't he ask me to come over" stage of the breakup, where I obsessed every single day about when I'd get to come over. Every day I'd wake up and in my head, I'd map out all the times I'd be available to come over, just so I'd be prepared if he did ask me. Right now it's the "should I talk to him or not talk to him" stage, and it's driving me crazy. I just don't know what to do, and I'm talking to him right now and he refuses to tell me what to do.

And he just mentioned her. He just said her name. I asked him if he wanted to hang out next weekend and he said "I don't know, I might be doing stuff. But Lori is going to a baptist convention, so it's not that."

Oh god.. I just started crying right away when he said that. He ruined my composure. He ruined it. I had these fantasies.. and I keep having them.. and I always assume that they're over, that since he's always at home that they must have broken up. Why do I do this to myself? I torture myself. I bring this on myself, why? Why am I so afraid of letting go and starting a new life, a life that doesn't include him and his fucking god damn perfect fucking girlfriend?

I've fucked it all up. I hate fucking it up.. I should have done everything differently. I haven't done anything right in this whole thing. I don't have any mystery.. I have my heart out on a platter for him. We both know that if he asked me to come over right now, even though I wouldn't get there until almost 3 AM and I really need to be here to look for a job tomorrow, I'd go. I'd do whatever he wanted if he'd just give me the chance.

Sorry.. it was on my mind and I had to get it out. I hate fucking everything up. It's generally a very annoying feeling.

God damn, this boy drives me fucking insane. I can't stand it. I have to get it together.. I can't fall apart like this anymore. It's just not cool.. it's not right.