A couple of months ago I learned that Natalie (aka Crazy Friend, for those in the know) was working there this summer. I was so excited! I wanted to go see the camp that was such a huge staple of my childhood.

So on Saturday night, Natalie called and said that if I wanted to come on Sunday, that would be cool. Since I was already in Dallas with Matt and camp was only 1.5 hours away, I readily agreed. And yesterday, after beating Matt in Yahtzee and bidding him a fond farewell, I drove to Sky Ranch.

Everything about the drive was familiar to me, even though I haven't been there in about 7 years. There were the oil wells, the fields, all that kind of fun stuff. And when I got there, it was a little different but really everything was the same. It was so extremely awesome, I couldn't get over how everything was so familiar to me after all these years. It was such a huge part of my childhood and yeah. I loved being there.

Natalie is just the greatest. She inspires everyone around her, she really does. And she's good at everything she tries to do. I'm not one of those people. I suck at things that I don't like, really. And I can tell she's not really digging the whole Sky Ranch thing that much, but she's doing a great job.

I also got to sleep in one of the cabins I distinctly remember being in as a kid. I think this cabin was the one where I did a cartwheel one night and sprained my ankle. That was fun.

There was a lot of new technological advances and crap, but the things that I remember about camp was still there. The Blob. The riflery range with the exact same mats in there that they had 10 years ago. The water slides, the lake, the pool, the canoes, the cabins, everything. It was awesome to be back there. Yay.

There is another part of the evening that I didn't enjoy at all, and that was going to Wal-Mart with 2 dorky guys. One of these guys was extremely hootttttt, but like, in a dumb hot guy kind of way. The other was equally dumb-ish and supposedly hot but really not very attractive at all. I know that was an extremely strange way of describing people, but there ya go.

Anyway. I'm just not a "spend 2 hours at Wal-Mart looking at the beauty section with dorky guys" kind of girl. I wanted to go to sleep, damnit. And what I really wanted to do was drive back to Matt's and sleep at his house, but I knew that wasn't conducive to anything we were trying to accomplish here.

I have more to say about that, but what I want to dwell on right now is the fact that it's 12:30 on a Monday and I'm really trying not to feel that familiar feeling of dread. The feeling that I have nothing to do for the next week but start the job hunt all over again. I don't want this feeling.. I don't want this empty sense of depression that I had 4 months ago when I was doing the exact same thing. I can't do that anymore.. it almost destroyed me last time.

And I know this will be different. I almost have a plan this time. I'm not going back to that whole retail-looking thing. I am not fit for retail. I am not fit for customer service, apparently. I am not fit for secretary-dom because I'm just not that organized and efficient.

I need to start looking in my field. I really do discount myself.. I have a degree in journalism and I know how to write. If I just looked at jobs like that from the beginning and would have not been so scared about it, maybe things would be different right now. But they aren't. And these 6 months are looming ahead, teasing me, and it's almost like deja vu. It's almost like I just got to Austin and I'm looking for my new job again. It's almost like it's February again and I'm still reaching out for Matt and he's not there and I have no friends and I don't know what Austin is about and my brother is trying to help me all he can and I'm so lost and I don't know what to do.

It's not like that anymore. It's just not. Matt is on my side. He's going to still be on my side for a long time. He's incredibly supportive, yet he still puts the smack down. He brought up a good point this weekend.. he said that I didn't want to cooperate with the corporate world because I thought of myself as such a free spirit, but I'm not willing to work hard enough to find a job that will fit me better. And that's just point blank true. I have to put my balls out there. I have to get something that I can be proud of, not some shitty job working for a soulless corporation who makes really crappy cars. Why should I be responsible for GM's fucked up cars? I don't care about GM. I don't even care about GM's customers. But I suppose that's a story for another day.

It's not the same as it was 4 months ago, I have to keep telling myself that. Yet here I am again, coming home on Monday from a long weekend in Dallas, about to go to my brother's house to fax some resumes to places I found in the paper.

I just want to go back to Dallas.. I miss Matt so much whenever I leave, which is dorky, but its true. But I love it there. I love the weather, I love the familiarity, I love Dallas. And I want to go home. But I made the choice to stay for another 6 months, and I made that choice because I know it's the best thing to do at this point in my life. I could go home right now, return to the life I had before I moved here. I could go to my dad's every Sunday night, I could have my mom come over and clean my apartment every couple of weeks, I could return to the life that Matt and I had so long ago that consisted of me coming to his house, doing absolutely nothing, and having this result in fights because I haven't matured enough to be able to handle that.

I need this 6 months, and I know that. I know that getting a job is going to be hard, and keeping a job is going to be harder. I know that soon football season is going to start and I'll have to fight for Matt's attention soon. I know that I still have so many choices to make, so many things to figure out about myself, and so many things to plan. I don't have a plan. I'm just kind of floating along until the next event happens, and I don't want that.

This is getting long, I have to pee, and I need to find all my resume information so I can get started with the faxing.

I'm trying to hold it together, and I think I'm doing okay. I just can't let this get to me. I have to be confident, or else it's just going to all fall apart, and I can't handle that again.