The biggest craptastic part of all this is my dad. He is just not going to be happy about this at all, and he is probably the whole reason why I'm taking all of this so hard. He's just.. I don't know. He's just a hard worker, has so much ambition, does what he has to do to get the job done. And he doesn't understand me. He doesn't understand why I'm not more like him.

I'm not more like him because I never had to be more like him. I grew up getting almost everything I wanted, and still now, I get what I want even when I don't deserve it at all. I've never had to work for what I have. And even in all the jobs I've ever had, it feels like I'm working for the wrong reason.

That job was just not for me, and I probably fucked it all up because I knew that. I can't relate to people. Some of the customers I talked to, they liked me. They walked away from that phone call knowing that I tried to go to the extra mile for them. But just as many customers walked away even more pissed off that I couldn't help them solve their stupid car problems. Some people actually told me that I made them more mad, that I wasn't doing my job right. And I knew I wasn't. I didn't care about them enough. I didn't care enough about the Big Mean Corporate Car Company to really work on their behalf.

Now it's round 3 of looking for a job. So far, I've quit one job after 3 days, I got fired from a temp job because I was depressed all the time, and I got fired from customer service because I can't relate to humans. That's not the greatest track record, I have to tell ya.

But this time will be different. I can't do what I did last time, I can't go through that whole 2 months of torture bullshit. I'll have to come up with something else. I'll have to get a job that is more focused on what I can do instead of what I can't do. I can't relate to customer's car issues, I know that.

But I am calm now. Yesterday I got all my "I suck and I can't do anything right and I'm such a loser" mentality over with. Because I decided something: I'm not a loser, I'm just the laziest person ever in the whole world. When I want something, I will do it right. If I don't want something, I will screw it up beyond recognition. That's what I do. That's what I've always done.

I am at Matt's, and he is being incredibly supportive. He doesn't take any of this "I'm a loser and I think there's something mentally wrong with me" bullshit from me. He knows me, he knows me better than anyone else in the world. He knows my quirks. He knows that I was a total freak last night when I was trying to sleep and he stayed up to work on some stuff. I don't know what it is about being here at his house, but it brings out the freak in me when I'm asleep. I talk to him about weird things, I sing, I mess with the remote control for the TV.. he's used to it though. He likes that about me, I think.

When I got here last night, of coure we got it on within 10 minutes of me getting there. And then we made out all night and watched 2 episodes of The Amazing Race. We also went shopping at Super Wal Mart, where all the goth teenagers apparently decided to do the same thing. I'm not sure how long I'm going to be here, but right now I just like how he's doting on me, holding my hand and making me feel like I'm just the coolest chick ever. I dig that, I'm sorry. I'm just a big cheesy dork.

And, and, and.. I realized on the three hour car ride over here why me and Matt get along so well. We're both so freaktastically lazy, it's just not even funny. We get things done. He has 4 different jobs that he makes a lot of money at, so he's not lazy like me, but he's pretty lazy. We both take it easy. We both have a certain attitude about things. And that was fun to realize. Yay Lazyness.

But really.. being fired just sucks. Especially when they have to bring you in a little room with the higher ups and won't even give you back all the stuff you've accumlated there. They didn't give me my stress ball back! They didn't give me the notebooks that I bought especially for this job. That kinda sucks. And it's just such an ego blow.. I knew all day yesterday that something was up. People were whispering. My "friends" were all like, "Are you getting out of training today?" And I'm all like, uh, no, I suck. And my team manager that I had a lot of respect for just had so much dissapointment in her eyes everytime I called her over to ask a question. I hated that. I always wanted her approval so desperately, and yesterday she had just had enough of my retardness. It just wasn't fun. It makes you feel like the biggest loser ever. I don't want to be fired ever again, let me just tell you that right now.

And I should have known that something was terribly wrong when it was Free Food Day.

That's right, Free Food Day has become a very bad omen in my life. Yesterday, it was spaghetti in appreciation of what the customer service team does all day. When I got fired before, it was Fish Fry Day. No more Free Food for me anymore. It's just not a good thing. Because, you know what? Nothing is free. Muahahahaha.

In a few minutes, I am going to:

1. Go get some donuts at my favorite donut place.

2. Go recycle some magazines that have accumulated at Matt's house.

3. Get my eyebrows waxed

4. Try to buy an appropriate shirt in which I can suitably job hunt in

5. Etc.

Sounds like a plan, Stan.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"At 4 am this morning, BB woke me up to tell me that I was actually sleeping on top of the laptop! He said it looked like I was snuggling with it. You know things are bad when you fall asleep with a computer in your arms."