You know what I wish I had? I really wish I had some inner peace about my past. I wish I could come to terms with the fact that yes, I probably could have spent the last 5 years of my life in a different way, but now that part of my life is over and it's a new era.

There's just been a lot of little things going on in the past couple of days that have kinda jabbed at me, made me want to go back 10 years ago so I could fix the things that got me where I am today. And that is so not cool. That is the opposite of cool. That is, in fact, uncool.

For example, yesterday I was lying out by the pool of my apartment and 4 girls came tittering over to lie out as well. They were 4 really amazingly hot girls in bikinis, talking on their little tiny cell phones to their boyfriends, talking to each other about what bars they went to the night before and what kind of Vodka they were drinking there. They were obviously around 21 years old and probably students at UT. They looked like they were old friends, and it DROVE ME CRAZY. I never had that life. In college, I didn't seek out other people. The one time I really did was when I joined the church and met some people there, but I never really met people more like me. Hardcore people. Chicks that listened to heavy metal and liked margaritas and being lazy and shopping and puppy dogs and their boyfriends.

I feel like having a boyfriend made me an outsider in college. And while that's probably true, I could have made it work. I could have gone out on Friday nights. Like, right now I think to myself.. what difference would one Friday out of many make? If I didn't see Matt for one piddly day out of the year, and instead went out with friends and had fun with them, would it really have been that big of a deal?

And then tonight I watched Freshman Diaries, this show on Showtime about people going to college for the first time. They go to UT, in fact. The school I so desperately wanted to go to, but never really managed to achieve. I didn't have the grades.

I want to come to peace with that. I want to realize that I did make some mistakes, but that's who I am. That's the choices I made, and now I can move on from that. Matt and I can take up where we left off and fix the mistakes of our past. We can hang out with each other if we have something to do, or we can maintain friendships and make new friends so that we have a bigger base in which to build on our experiences together. I understand that now. I didn't before. The long distance thing is showing me that even thought it's not the most fun thing to be without the person you love, you can at least work on your problems before you see them again.

So, what would I do if I could go back in time to 1993, to when I was about to turn 14 years old, to when I was in 8th grade, in orchestra, just kinda half-assing my way through life?

My first priority would have been to make better grades. I could have done that. Quite easily, in fact. I wasn't a dumbass. I was, and still am, the laziest motherfucker ever. I could have made good enough grades to get into UT. I just didn't make the effort.

My second priority would have probably been to not be so attached to the computer. Yes, I met a lot of people that formed the experiences I have now. I met Matt on the computer. I realize this, but it really took away from the real life experiences I could have had.

My third priority would have been to take better care of myself. I wasn't gargantuan big when I was in high school, but I didn't really take care of myself. I worked out because my mom made me, not because I really cared about it. I dunno. I just really should have put more stock into caring about how I looked, and how my surroundings looked.

The grades are really the biggest thing, though. If I would have gotten better grades, I could really do some damage. I'd probably have a job right now instead of sitting here on a Sunday night dreading the next week of job looking.

I'm so hard on myself, and I want to get over all this. I think my past is holding me back. I think if I could just learn to think about the future and be peaceful with the past, than I could really move on and be happy with my life. I want to look back on the past 5 years with a smile, with the thought that it was a learning experience. Because I did learn. I learned what not to do. I learned how not to maintain a relationship. I learned how not to make friends. I learned how to not take pride in myself, who I am and what I'm capable of doing.

Anyway. I just had to get that out. I just want some inner peace, damnit! Is that too much to ask?

Rock on.