Tonight's drive was not made any easier by the fact that all I could think about was today's activities. Matt and I secret shopped. Fun, I know. But he took the middle part of the seat out or whatever in his truck, so I was sitting right next to him for 2 hours, all up in his business.

There were a few times today when we really shared some intimate moments. Some moments that were so purely intimate and sacred, I just can't even begin to describe them. I know he felt it too, and I know it wasn't a friendly thing. There's still so much.. something between us, nothing, nothing at all has died. TMI right now.. when I went to the bathroom, I noticed that I was like.. totally wet. Just from cuddling with the boy.

It's so frustrating.. we could make this work. We're both changing our lives around, we're both getting our shit together. He's proud of me because of my job and because of everything else, I'm proud of him because he's making friends and having a good social life. We could make this work, but there's that fucking girlfriend. None of us know if they're getting back together or what, but I just hope and pray that someday he realizes she can't give him what I can. The things we shared today.. that was us. That was not something you can just go find anywhere.

It's just so painful and frustrating and I have to keep reminding myself that it's not up to me. It's not in my control. I'm doing everything I can right now, and if that's not enough, than there's nothing I can do about that.

At the end of our time together tonight, we discussed it a little. He told me he gets really sentimental when he gets mail addressed to me. And he thinks a lot about the time we spent with the waterbed that one weekend in September. I told him that I thought we still had so much between us, and he said he felt it too, but he offered no reasoning, no solution, no cure-all. And I have to wait and wish that even if his girlfriend wants him back, someday he'll wake up and realize that what we had was something he wants.

Blah blah blah.

I'm late for my bed time. Damn waking up at 6 AM.