Today was just another one of those days. Even though I managed to be out all day doing stuff - going shopping for work clothes at Lane Bryant, going to a movie (Confessions of a Dangerous Mind), working out, going to the bank, browsing at the mall, hanging out at my brother's house - it was just another one of those days.

A day that I'm like.. totally consumed by lonlieness. Where all I can think about is Matt and what he's doing and how badly I want to lose weight so someday he'll be so stunned by my beauty that we'll have to get back together. Which is ridiculous because even when I was in my bloated 200 pound stage of life he still told me I was beautiful practically every friggin day.

And I come home at 10 PM and he's idle and of course he's idle. He's with his new friends, his girlfriend, he's not by himself tonight. He's not practically counting the days until he can go back to where he came from because he is where he came from.

I'm struggling. Let's go through my thought process:

1. I really want that job at the governor's office. I want any job that's 9 to 5. When I first got here I didn't want that at all, but when I think about it, I almost drool. I can work until 5, go work out, come home and make dinner, then maybe hang out with friends or work on my novel. I could get used to that.

2. But if I got it, I'd only be there for 5 months if I choose to move. And I'm afraid that I'm sabotaging my stay here by saying, "I only have 5 months left, why make friends when I'm only going to be leaving them?" And then I think about staying here for another 6 months after that, but then I don't think I'd have a chance of getting back together with Matt, but do I really want that chance?

3. Yes. I really want that chance.

I really should just chill out. A lot of shit can happen in 5 months. I can *gasp* become happy at some point, even.

I hope I get this job. I need something consistent, something to wake up and do, something that has nothing to do with pickles.

I'm going to go watch Bridget Jones now. I know you're incredibly jealous of my fast paced and fascinating life. Oh yes.

I did get cheered up considerably tonight when I was driving home from my brother's house. I heard Send Me An Angel by Real Life. I love that song! It instantly made me about 3 points more happy than I was. So like, out of 100 points, I'd say tonight I'm around a.. 70. Right at average. Bah.

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"You know what I've been thinking about lately? I'm graduating soon (well, December), and I'm confused about what I want to do. I want to travel and see the world and spend time with my parents and my boyfriend and my puppy dogs and all that. But I also want to work hard, pay my dues, get ahead in the world. And I know I'm going to have to do the latter in order to the other, and that sucks! I just wanna play.

"