I've been having a lot of hostile dreams lately, and it's really strange. Like, I'm yelling at people and trying to beat them up and such. And the thing is, it's really hard to beat them up.. I can't quite connect right with whomever I'm trying to punch or what not.

I don't know why I'm feeling so hostile, since it really seems like the tides are shifting and I'm feeling better in general. Like, I'm actually listening to more music than talk radio, which is good. And I'm starting to really appreciate Austin for what it's all about. It's so easy going, casual, and it's also really pretty. There's mountain type things, and trees, and flowers, and yeah. At first I really hated Austin, but now I'm starting to discover that what I hated was the circumstances of me being in Austin, not Austin itself. And such.

Although I did feel like someone was repeatedly stabbing me in the eye today when they played a Willie Nelson album in Borders. I don't know.. Willie was kinda special to me and Matt's relationship, in a weird way. Willie just signifies my childhood, too. So Willie is just difficult to hear sometimes.

I have tried not to mention Matt in here very much lately, but I'm going to today because that's just what I do. I haven't talked to him in about 4 days.. he did IM me in the middle of the night on Saturday to ask how my job interview on Friday went, but that's it. It's nice to have that 4 days of being strong behind me, although I'm still looking at his web page, still hanging around online when I'm home, waiting for him to IM me. But.. baby steps.

I miss him.. I really do. But he doesn't like chicken. And like, if we had kids, I'd want my kids to eat chicken. So what, if I made my kids chicken, would I have to make a whole seperate meal for him? It hardly seems worth it, doesn't it?

I applied to a lot of places today, and had a job interview. The interview will probably turn out to be not so special. My mom and brother are worried that this place will turn out to be some weird kind of multi level marketing crap. I might not even go to the follow up interview because it's tomorrow night at 7:30. What kind of place has a meeting at 7:30? And I'd have to miss my depression support group, which I'm not happy about.

I dunno. What can you do sometimes?

I'm gaining weight, by the way. I'm not happy about it, but I still went to Taco Cabana today. Bad, bad me.

Also, I'm worried about the summer here. If it feels like such ass right now, how's it going to feel when it's like 102 degrees? I really dread that. The weather here just really sucks. It never rains! It gets dark and drizzles a little, but I've only seen like 2 big storms here. There's storms all the time in Dallas. Score one for Dallas, oh yeah.

This is boring, and I do apologize for that.

But bah.. one more thing. Weird things are making me sad lately.. like, I didn't even watch the Kentucky Derby this year because it reminded me of Matt, even though he had nothing to do with it. It reminded me of him because last year during the Derby, I was still with him. And the year before that, the derby was on my mom and stepdad's wedding day, and after my brother and I dropped them off at the airport, we watched it at some restaurant. Why that reminds me of Matt is because he went to the wedding with me.

It's just weird stuff like that. It's really annoying, but I understand. 5 years worth of shit reminds me of him. If it just merely happened while we were together, it reminds me of him. That's a lot of stuff. I'm handling it better, but it still gets to me. And I want to watch the Dawson's Creek finale next week, but that was our show. We watched it together.

I wonder if he thinks that way. If watching Boston Public on TIVO reminds him of how we used to get a shitload of food and watch it on his bed together. I wonder when I creep into his mind, when he misses me so much he can barely breath. It has to happen sometimes, right? I just wonder when it does.

*sigh*

I should shut up because this entry is making me sad for some reason. Gee, I wonder why.

I haven't had a breakdown in 2 whole weeks, though, and I'm really happy about that. I remember the last one, and it wasn't pretty. A very bad time. I don't want to feel that way anymore, at all, ever. It's just not fun.

I need a job.