Remember when we turned 13? That was like, 11 years ago. Scary, isn't it?

Anyway.

I am currently in East Texas. To prove that I am in East Texas, let me detail the activities that I engaged in last night:

After I ate my cake and opened some cards, me and this dude NJ, the kinda caretaker of the farm, and this other guy went out to hunt some pigs. Why were we hunting pigs? Because they are apparently causing havoc around the farm and we can't have that.

I got my own rifle and everything! I felt just like Ted fucking Nugent!

We didn't see any pigs, though. So I didn't have to cry about killing Babe.

By the way, just so we all know, the traffic coming to Dallas from Austin was quite sucktastic. Of course, I should have known that. When half the population all gets out on the road at the same time for the OU/Texas game, there's going to be traffic issues. But 5 hours worth of traffic issues? My ass was a hurtin yesterday.

I also slept quite well until I walked into the room that had the bathroom in it, and my uncle was in there and I didn't know it, and he said "Hi!" And I screamed and woke everyone up. That was fun times.

My uncle just lost his longtime girlfriend to cancer like.. on Monday. So it's a little strange over here.. I'm not really sure what to say to him. She's been sick for a really long time, and it's probably more of a relief that she isn't in pain anymore. But it still sucks.. she was an awesome person with so much inner strength and passion and spirit.

In other news, I'm fed up. With life in general. And most of all, with the real of psychiatric medicine. I went to see a psychologist because I thought it would make things better, but instead, it's made everything so much worse. Like I said, I'm glad that this week will be the last time I see him. I didn't take my medication yesterday and I don't plan on taking it again for a while. My psychiatrist, on Thursday, prescribed some Wellbutrin to go along with the Lexapro, but that all sounds too complicated. Right now I feel fine. Right now I'm pissed off, and I'm pissed off enough to go out there and kick everyone's ass.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of being Matt's little bitch. I'm finished with that. If he wants me, he can come get me, but I'm not going to get all up in his fucking face anymore with this "Oh M Bear, I'm so sorry you aren't feeling very happy today, what can I DO FOR YOU?" Fuck that. I'm going to do my thing and if eventually he wants to come along, whatever. I don't give a shit anymore. He's an asshole, and he's used to getting things his way, and that's just not going to fucking happen anymore.

I am angry. If you couldn't tell.

Tonight Scott and I are going to see Kill Bill and then perhaps go to a strip club. I am looking forward to that. But for now, I shall go play with my puppy dogs and be happy in the land of the farm.

*****

a year ago... I wasn't talking about anything interesting.

2 years ago...

"We then went to her house and had a really nice conversation about how she thinks I've turned into a butterfly since she first met me. She said I used to be quiet and reserved and I never wanted to do anything, but now she can't shut me up and I'm so outgoing and happy. That made me feel good, like I've actually accomplished something in college.

I haven't really felt that way for a while. I didn't have friends for so long at college, and now that I do, it's just so.. nice. Nice to have other people's perspectives on things. Nice to talk to people and figure out their thought processes and ways of viewing life and everything! It's just so wonderful to be able to go out and make friends and share your life and experiences with them, and I'm so excited. I'm excited that I finally took the effort to make some kind of life for myself, and I actually accomplished that. I've been to weddings this year, I went to a crazy dance type of thing, I've "hung out" with people, I've laughed with people, I've cried with people.

It's such a relief."