I mean, I've been thinking about working for years now, of course. But back in college it was a different way of thinking. It was kind of like a distant, "Hmm, after college I'm probably going to have to do something to support myself. I wonder what that'll be?"

If I could go back to my 20-year-old self, the one who escaped to Matt's every weekend and didn't really do homework and hardly ever studied and couldn't really care less about the future, I would probably throttle that 20-year-old. I didn't think about the future. I was hardly even thinking about the present, just floating around from class to class doing the minimum requirements to get by.

I never thought it would be such a problem when I graduated. I thought I'd have to work hard when I graduated, sure, and maybe catch up with all the people who had internships and real jobs while in college. I had no idea that those people with internships and real jobs in college were going to be the ones to get all the available jobs when they graduated.

I was a slacker, let's face it. I just didn't care. There were a few semesters when I got the stick out of my ass and had decent grades, but those were few and far between. I didn't even get very good grades in my journalism classes, which is just sad.

Now, a year after graduation, here I am. Stuck in an office job where the people here don't even need me. I answer the phone. Get the mail. Surf the internet looking for other jobs. This isn't productive. It isn't going to get me anywhere I need to be. I work for my dad, for fuck's sake. Even he wants me out of here, but we all recognize that I need a job and money, and he'd rather I work for the money rather than him just handing it to me.

I have no idea how I'm going to make the next step. It's almost been 2 years since I wrote for the newspaper, and I don't have any other real solid writing experience. I've been on tons of interviews but I just don't impress these people. They all want more experience.

And it doesn't help that many people in my life have the ability to say "fuck it!" and just haul off for days at a time whenever they feel like it. Matt has been on two week-long road trips this month. My brother went skiing in Vancouver and had a weekend in Vegas and a couple of days in NYC in the past couple of months. They are both in grad school, and they both apparently have the disposable income to do that, but I'm not and I don't. Even if I wanted to go to grad school, I don't know how I'd get in with my mediocre grades and lack of work experience.

I don't know. I used to say that my ticket would be my world famous novel that made me millions of dollars. The thing about that is.. except for Nano, I haven't written a damn thing in a year. I have an idea for a story, but I don't know if it's going to take me anywhere so I don't even bother writing it.

I want a job, but how do I find something that will pay well, won't keep me chained to a desk all day, where I can contribute to society, and where I can occasionally take some time off to travel? How do people find jobs like that, and are they all smarter than me? Did they all make better grades than me?

I'm starting to think I'm heading for a career of mediocreness, and that really scares me. I don't know how to find a good job. And I still feel like my weird social retardation is starting to get in the way of ever really making myself happy and successful. Everyone around me seems to have figured out the secret, but I haven't, and I don't feel like I ever will.

Fun, eh?

Also, I had a really agressive dream last night. There were all these murders and weird stuff happening and it was all based around me graduating from college. I can't tell you how many dreams I've had where I've completely and totally missed a class for the whole semester and passing that class was the deciding factor for me graduating from school. I've had that one so many times. But this one was really violent. I don't get it.

Meanwhile, in alternate universe land...

*****

What was Liz doing a year ago?

"I actually thought they were going to break up, and he was going to realize that he loves me more, but as the days go by, I see that's less and less of a reality. It's just a feeling I have, and reasonings I've made, and thoughts I've had. I'm really starting to think that we're never going to get back together. This thought is so scary to me that when I start to think about it, I push it away and try to think about something else."