baby maybe someday
July 31, 2004 the sage Meatloaf, three interviews of death, and puppy awakenings

*I have the feeling that this is gonna be a long one, folks. Just so you know!*

So, an update on the Three Interviews of Death Day:

Interview #1 - The radio station. Ohhh man, how much do I want this job? So very, very bad. I knew the interview was going to be on the same floor as the station, but I didn't count on actually going into the station or what not, and I got to do that, and I was so happy, I could not stop smiling.

The only bad part of this interview was that maybe I was a little TOO enthusiastic. I wanted to make it clear that this would so be the greatest job ever for me and that they should hire me because I totally believe in the product and I would LOVE working for them.

I think I REALLY impressed them when I broke out one of my secret weapons: when I worked for the newspaper, I actually wrote a story about one of their stations when they first started it up. I could tell this impressed her, and hey, I bet nobody else they interviewed wrote a story about it! So hah.

I dunno. This is like.. my dream job. Just to seal the deal, I almost walked straight into one of my favorite radio guys when he was getting off the elevator that I was getting on. I would be so happy to come to work with these guys that I've been listening to for 5 years.. such greatness.

Interview #2 - Data entry. Yikes. The tests they gave me went well until the dreaded Excel. Before that, I did just a plain typing test and when I was done, the guy said "Wow, you've certainly gotten farther then everyone else!" Which was good. But not even being able to do a simple table in Excel and using formulas.. I totally bombed that part. I am not expecting a call from these nice people.

Interview #3 - I had to pay $6 to park downtown to get to this interview! But it was nice.. I talked to the chick editor for about 20 minutes, and while the job really doesn't sound all that interesting (really all I'd be doing is taking court documents and typing all the important parts for the newspaper), it has benefits and pays real money. It seems like I have a chance with this one.

So basically, I really think I have a chance with #1 and #3, but they are two totally different jobs. #1 kept stressing how I'd always be on my toes and I'd have to multitask and talk to clients and be on the go all day long, and #3 stressed how I was to stick to my work, keep to myself, and not get involved in office gossip. I think somewhere along the way this editor chick was burned by gossip mongerers, because I almost had to SWEAR that I would not try to make friends and talk to people all day. My non-communication skills would definitely come in handy with that one.

So, either one. I want them. Now.

I wish interviewers would just be straight forward and tell me at the end if I have a chance or not. Like, "I really wasn't impressed with your people skills, so I'm afraid we're not going to offer you the position." Because now I think I have a chance with these two places and then if it ends up that I didn't have a chance in hell, I'm going to be all sad and stuff. I hate interviews! I have to wait until the end of next week to know anything! Bastards.


My brain did hurt after all those interviews, but then I went to the Farm and got to snuggle with all my doggies. This morning I was awakened when my babies Alf and Charlie jumped in bed with me to say "Hello! It's time to wake up and play with us!" And that, my friends, is the very best way to wake up.

The rest of today has been spent furthering the American economy. I should not be spending so much money when, in fact, I have none. But I bought a Dvorak CD! And some magazines! And a book on Excel so I can learn it properly! And t-shirts from the Gap! And such.

Money well spent!



I am currently listening to Metallica's St Anger CD instead of my usual activity on Saturday night, watching CSI. Why? Because I saw Some Kind of Monster tonight and it was a powerful marketing tool. It was also an incredibly inspiring and an amazing movie.

I have liked Metallica for a long time. When I started being Metal Chick of the Universe, they were almost right up there with GN'R as my favorite band. I remember having their Rolling Stone cover on my wall, and it was really creepy because it seemed like no matter where that picture was, or no matter where I was in my room, all 4 of them were staring right at me.

But this movie was such greatness. I feel like turning off all the lights, lighting some candles, cranking up the CD and finally getting down to doing some novel writing. I think that would be very productive of me, don't you think? But just the process they went through to create this record was so amazing to watch, and yeah, it was just a really good documentary. It was 2.5 hours, though, so don't go see it unless you're hardcore. Because as we all know, I am hardcore. And like, James Hetfield is hot. And the relationship between him and Lars was fascinating to watch. I heart Metallica.


Based on the lasted disturbing bit of dialogue Matt and I shared the other day, I'm trying to decide how truly disturbed I am. Am I disturbed enough to totally break it off? Am I disturbed enough to avoid him for a few days before I allow things to return to normal? Or am I disturbed enough to not do anything and then call him right now to see if I can come over?

It's definitely not the latter, I can tell you that. This situation was helped today by a simple song. A song by Meatloaf.

What song by Meatloaf could possibly disturb me, you ask? That would be "Two out of three ain't bad." That song has been in the middle of me and Matt's relationship ever since I heard it for the first time and seriously hated the fact that I identified with it so much. The lyrics go a little something like this:

"I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever going to love you, so don't be sad, two out of three ain't bad.."

Yeah. Pleasant, I know.

I just miss stuff, you know? I miss our old school passion for each other, when it was so much more than a quick blow job and then an hour or two of TiVO. When it was late night road trips where I drove to some weird obscure place in Texas or Oklahoma and then we got back to his house really late at night and then slept in the next day. I miss when he would pick me up in his piece of shit Corsica in high school and then we'd go hang out with his friends. I miss just being able to fucking say "I LOVE YOU!" whenever I feel like it. I miss so much about the old times that I stick around just in case it will ever get better.

But his latest comment disturbed me even more than usual. He said it yesterday like, at noon, and I'm still ruminating on it. The fact that he still has the ability to do that drives me crazy.

Fucking Meatloaf.


I got my hair colored today. It's quite mahogany yet again. I seem to go through three phases with my hair:

1. Just plain old dark brown.. when I get tired of getting it colored, I just dye it back to my normal color. This doesn't happen often.

2. Blondish higlights

3. When I get tired of the blondish highlights, it's time for the dark dark brown with a shade of red in it.

#3 is definitely where I am in my life right now, and I LOVE it. Maybe it's a little gothy, but it's exactly what I wanted. Yay goth!

Here is a very poor camera-phone reprsentation of my current state of hair:

I should not be allowed to have a camera phone.


I'm also trying to decide if I should be mad at Natalie (Crazy Friend, for all of you who have been keeping up with these things). She's off at the camp I used to go to, being a counselor or something. I wrote her this long letter about how she affects people in such a good way and how I looked up to her, and it was a really nice heartfelt little letter.

I got a letter back from her the other day, and I was expecting something more, really anything else than what I got - which was a form letter asking for money because she's going on a mission to Italy in September.

I love that she so loves God in that special way, but come on! I write you this nice heartfelt letter and then you hit me up for money! What's up with that!


As James Hetfield says, I drink from the cup of denial.


That is all. My brain hurts. Also, my nails are longer than they've almost ever been in my lifetime, and it's making my fingers retarded. Like, I can't type anymore. Not good.


a year ago...

"But now July 31st, 2003 is here, and I'm okay. I hate my job, I love my friends, I have the boy that I've been obsessing over for weeks, years, months, days. And tomorrow I will be going back to Dallas, and I'll be snuggling with that boy all weekend, and I'll come back on Sunday and start all over again. And that's okay. That's the way it was meant to be. I promised myself that I wouldn't leave until I accomplished the things I knew I needed to accomplish. And I haven't done that yet."

2 years ago..

"Dood! Today in French, this girl just spontaneously broke out in "Welcome to the Jungle!" I was like.. woah. So of course I had to say, "I'm obsessed with Guns N Roses, don't tease me like that!" And THEN she started singing USED TO LOVE HER! That really impressed me. And THEN, the girl next to her said "I LOVE that song!"

3 years...

"I like these things. But I will no longer eat them, because I just now realized that I have more power than they do. They are just eggs and cheese, sometimes bacon, sometimes steak. They don't have minds. They don't have arms to pull me. I am not a victim!"

back & forth random

So be it! My last entry ever. - November 16, 2004
701 - October 17, 2004
Buh bye: An Austinliz thesis - October 03, 2004
war of the roses - October 01, 2004
fucking debate! - September 30, 2004