So today. Today has been fun. And when I say fun, I mean the complete and total opposite of fun.

I regretted sending Matt that email the second that I sent it, and I knew I would, but I wanted him to know. I wanted him to know what his significant other is going through right now. I thought his reaction would be different. I thought he'd say something like, "I understand what you're going through, we'll get through this together." I mean.. seriously.. don't I fucking deserve that? Don't I deserve just a little fucking understanding from this man that I have been completely in love with for the past 6 years?

I know that sounds ultra over dramatic, and it's not like he completely banished me from his life or something. He just said that if I come this weekend, don't expect to see him because he's crazy busy. He said, when I talked to him later, that he doesn't want me to go to the football game on Friday night because he's afraid that I might go insane on him in front of all his friends. Nice. Real nice.

I guess in a way, I don't blame him. But I do. Because I would make time for him even if I was the busiest beyotch ever. I thought we had moved on. I thought we were beyond all this "maybe I'll be able to fit you in" BULLSHIT. He actually said that. MAYBE I'LL BE ABLE TO FIT YOU IN. He said that 6 MONTHS AGO when he HAD A GIRLFRIEND. And now it's 6 months later and I still don't have a fucking thing from him.

I feel like I fucked everything up again. For a while, we were doing so well. He calls me every couple of days, we talk online everyday, we even had some kind of crazy phone sex the other night. But I guess when it comes down to it, there's still nothing here. No real name for what this is. No real definition of this relationship. And I want that. And I want so much more.

It's so hard to be here. I thought living in Austin was going to be so great.. I'd finally get to live in the place I've been dreaming about for a decade. I thought, so what if I didn't pay attention in college, I'm a lucky person, I'll get a job right away! Umm, that's a no on that one. I thought that I'd be able to get away from Matt and my mom and dad and start a life on my own. I didn't know it was going to be so hard. I didn't know that after talking to Matt about not seeing him this weekend, after he blamed me for giving him a guilt trip, that I would beat the pillows up and than go lie on my bed and cry. I didn't know that these things would happen here. Austin was not supposed to be about this.

I'm so frustrated. A part of me just wants to bail out and go back to Dallas right now. That would probably almost be the best thing to do. But I still want to prove to everyone that I can do this. But maybe I can't. And maybe it's time to face the fact that I can't.

I feel so powerless against this. I thought Matt would be there for me, and instead he's practically saying that he's scared of me. I thought he would like to see me this weekend.. after all, it would entail him getting some.. but he's "too busy." He actually said, "I'm sorry that I'm so happy right now and I can't share in your miserableness with you." Like it's even about that. Like I even WANT it to be about that.

Bah. I want to go to sleep. My mom said I could come up there tomorrow, but I don't know. Maybe I should just stay here.

I don't know what to do anymore.. I was crying to my psych today.. I was saying, "I just wish someone would show me what to do, because I don't know." I don't. I've never had to do it on my own. And I shoved myself into Austin with no kind of advice, no kind of safety net, and I want someone to show me how.

Ugh.. I can't stand this anymore. And what scares me even more was that my psych said, "I don't want this to get to the point where you have to go to the hospital." And that scared the FUCK out of me. It hadn't even occured to me that it could reach that point, but what if it does? I have to tell you, the point where I am right now.. it isn't fun. There were a couple of times tonight where I felt like reality and I weren't on the same playing field.

I'm scared.. I just want this part of my life to be over.