I don't know what I'm doing. I want to talk to Matt, I want to see him, I want to do SOMETHING. I've tried writing him an email 5 different times this morning, but they all sounded too pathetic.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I woke up this morning and actually threw up from the stress of it all. I don't know what to do.. if I should send him a long email, a short email, a pathetic email, no email at all.. I've blocked him 3 times this morning, and unblocked him just as many. I'm so confused.. I want him to know how hurt I am.. not because of anything that's happened lately, but just the combination of it all. The fact that he loves someone else, for example. The fact that he mentions her all over his goddamned web page and he never mentioned me. The fact that I'm really starting to wonder if he ever thought about marrying me at all.

I want to talk to him so badly, but I also want to shut up and move on. I don't know what to do.. I just have no idea.

Now I've missed my opportunity to work out this morning, because I have an interview at 1 and I want to get a long work out in today. Now I have nothing to do for the next hour and a half, and I've brought this all on myself. I hate this.. why do I do this? Why why why?

Fuck.

What should I do?