Today, my goal was to be gone from my apartment for as long as possible, and I think I suitably accomplished this goal. I worked out, then I came back and took a shower, then I went out to the big bad world of retail and filled out about 12 applications (doesn't sound like a lot, but some of them were like.. really long and took a lot of time. Circuit City really wantes to know A LOT about you.), then I went to Barnes and Noble and read the new issue of Blender, then I went to my small group and bonded with the girlies, and then I went to my brother's house and watched Red Dragon. So I was gone for almost 12 hours straight. I like days like that.

In my small group tonight, I got kinda emotional. There's a big shocker, I know. But sometimes I get carried away when I have actual people to talk to. I really need to work on that.. sometimes I feel like I totally jeopardize conversations and turn them into "Woe is Elizabeth" conventions. That is not good times.

Anyway, the girls were talking and I had a sudden realization. I have to leave this Matt situation in God's hands. I know that sounds weird coming from such a pagan like me, but I think it's true. I have to stop writing him emails, even when it's been 6 days and I'm concerned about him. I have to stop forcing conversations when it's obvious he doesn't really care about talking to me. Maybe if I haven't talked to him for a couple of weeks, he'll start to wonder why, and then I'll have mystery surrounding me or something. But I have to leave it up to God now. If it was meant to happen, God will make it happen.

I know.. it sounds weird coming from me. But maybe I'm changing. I mean.. hopefully I'm changing.

I'm losing weight, I know that much. I'm still eating crap but I'm eating a smaller amount of crap, and I'm eating it before 7:00 PM. I'm really hungry right now, but yeah. You guys don't know how happy I'll be when I see 169 on that scale. I haven't been 169 since I was 19 years old. My brother, out of nowhere tonight, said "Wow! You look hot tonight!" You know when your gay brother says you look hot, you look hot!

I lifted weights today. I have decided that I hate lifting weights, and I've put if off for weeks now. Since I don't have Kyle the Personal Trainer (my god, is he the hottest boy in the world? yes. Yes he is.) to kick my ass anymore, I really haven't been doing it that much. But thats not good.

Anyway, the point is that I'm going to hurt tomorrow. And I'm really looking forward to going to sleep. Sleep is good.

I have some plans this weekend, kinda. Tomorrow night I'm having dinner with Sarah, the chick I had dinner with last week. We might have dinner with Jennifer, the chick I saw Bringing down the House with. All this social activity is good times. I have nothing to do on Saturday but I'm a big girl, I can find things to do to make sure that I don't go insane crazy. And then Sunday I get to go easter egg hunting! Yay.

My current fantasy is that Matt asks me when I'm coming home for Easter, and I tell him I'm not coming home, and then he gets all sad and comes to see me instead.

Pathetic, but what can ya do.

I'm going to bed.

*****

What was Liz doing a year and a day ago?

"Angel Boy turned 24 yesterday. I have known him since he was 17. I should have called him, because I think it's important that people know you're thinking abou them on their birthday. But then he'd ask if we can hang out and all this other stuff, and I really don't have time to hang out with him. Well, I could make time, but I don't like the ackwardness that exists between us. He's a fantasy, and always will be, and as long as I don't see him and most of all act on it, I'm safe, and I like being safe. And anyway, I don't think about him as much anymore. I do before I go to bed when I'm having my naughty fantasy time, but that's about it, and it's not even that much anymore."

and... (This is long but I feel it's necessary.)

"5. And BB.. I feel so .. smothered by him sometimes. I feel so angry sometimes that I spent my years in college playing house with BB, instead of going out and partying and having fun. I should have gone to the College of Sante Fe instead of going to a college 20 minutes away. I should have made better grades in high school. I should have made better grades in junior high and set a pattern for myself so that I could have gotten into UT like I really wanted to do in the first place. Yes, I'm bitter. I'm bitter about a lot of things, and I feel like it's holding me down. Yes, I kinda sorta feel like BB is holding me down. A lot of things happen on Fridays and Saturdays, and that's when we hang out, and if I want to do something else on that day, he takes it as a personal insult most of the time! I love spending time with him and he's wonderful most of the time, but I just can't help but think sometimes, "Is this really how I want to spend my life? Is this really who I want to marry? Someone who doesn't want to meet my friends, someone who I know won't offer me some of the things I really want even though he offers me a lot of other stuff that I never even thought I wanted?! "